"Letting go "  such an easy phrase to say...but such a hard concept to put into action.

I've had another " V8 slap "  moment.  You know the action of the palm smack on the forehead.  I've had a million of those over the last three years...but this one was a big one for me.  It was a big smack lol.

We have all had those " tapes " of memories that we replay over and over and over again in our minds.  And each time we replay those, it stirs up all those feelings.  Hurt, anger, frustration, resentment, loneliness, rage.  I know for me, I have replayed those over and over and over again.  Each time feeling those feelings all over again.   And I continue to play them over and over and over again,  Why!!!  Why would I do that.  When I do that, I just hurt myself over and over and over again.  Making those feelings even grander and just add fuel to the fire.

Finally I had to ask myself.  Why????  Why do I keep doing that?  What am I gaining out of replaying a situation over and over again?  And in that process, hurt myself over and over again?  Am I hurting the other person involved in that situation when I replay that certain " tape "?  :crazy::crazy:

I finally had to ask myself.  Am I ready to stop hurting myself by replaying those tapes and just delete those tapes?  or do I want to continue to replay those tapes and keep hurting myself.  Giving those tapes the power to keep hurting me???????  Huge Questions????

Easy to say...yes.  Easy to put into action...sometimes not

I'm still a work in progress

All I can say is wow

In July I celebrated three years in Al - Anon.  What an amazing journey it has been so far.  It's been a slow progression for me.  Doing what I like to call my alanon three step.  Two steps forward, one step back, Three steps forward, two steps back etc etc etc.  When I take those steps " back "  I never fully step back to that person I was when I first came to alanon.  I'm slowly learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  For me, that is a first!

This journey of recovery is amazing.  Not always easy.  There have been some great highs.   There have been many many lows.  But I slowly bounce back from each one.  And each time I bounce back, I'm a stronger version of the person I want to become.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  But, I can stive to be my best and love myself for who I am and what I can become.  If that makes sense.

It feels good to be three.  I'm like a toddler, learning to apply everything I've learned to get me to learn even more.  I'm a work in progress

I have finally decided to push past some of my fears, and move forward.  I simply can not continue down this path anymore.  I have to shed these chains that are bogging me down, and let go of that fear.  Fear that has stopped me from revealing another piece of me, who is ready to break free.  I need to push away the fear.  I have been waiting for others to change in my life, who are simply not going to.  Yes...I know that is an expectation but I'm finally ready to let that one go.   So that next right step is, pushing back those fears on the reactions from those around me.  I can't let the fear rule.  I simply can not be the people pleaser that they want me to be.  I just can not do it anymore.

I knew this was coming.  You know how you can just feel it starting.  You just can't ignore the feeling anymore.  Just can't let go of the expectations of others, or my own.  I can't ignore the reactions and behaviors of others.  I have wanted to " act " instead of " react " to situations.  I simply can't just say The Serenity Prayer or leave the room anymore so that I don't " react " to their behavior or words.  This was the only way that I could " act " to situations around me.  But I don't think I can do that anylonger.  I'm finding my backbone again.  And I'm breaking the chains that have bound me.  I won't allow fear to hold me back from revealing another piece of me.

I'm a work in progress!!!

I used to live in a snow globe of denial. It was not a very pretty place to be. It was full of lots of anger, resentment, expectations, rage, isolation, loneliness, blame, disappointment, shame, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, every negative feeling there was, it was crammed in that little globe. I lost myself somewhere in there. :'(

I could shake and shake it all I wanted, but it just wasn’t pretty in there anymore. No wonder no one ever wanted to come in and join me.:oops:

I’ve done a lot of housecleaning since then. It’s a place where I have let go of a lot of the negative feelings and thoughts. There are no more rodents on wheels with negative thoughts running and running. I’ve found a few people who join me now. The door is always open not locked with me inside all alone. I go there when I need to think positive recovery thinking. It’s no longer a place I go to retreat from the world thinking that I’m fooling those outside. The door is no longer locked with me shaking and shaking trying to make things better from the inside. I’m inside, enjoying the view. Come on in, I’ll be happy to have some company.

I'm a work in progress:>>

Here I sit once again. Feeling angry, hurt, fearful, resentful. Feeling like I did in pre Al-Anon days. Sigh...I've once again...let others expectations placed on me, make me feel inadequate, useless, lazy and other negative feelings. But yet, when I look at what I all do in a day. What's required of me, I accomplish alot. I wear many, many hats in a day. I rise early, and am busy until late at night. But yet, those negative feelings seem to still be there.

Why is it, that I can't accept that what others "think" or "expect" me to do in a day can sometimes be accomplished, and sometimes not. Why is taking time for myself a " bad thing ". Why can't I accept of where others are in their lives and there for I'm placing and expectation of where they are in their life.

Acceptance, letting go, and trust seem to be fishy slappping me in the face. Seems those three things, need for me to happen before I can move on. I need to accept myself as others see me, and accept them for who they are in return. Instead of trying to get them to accept me for who I am, I need to be true to myself. Trust that my Hp is watching over me. That I'm supposed to be right here, right now where I am today.

Guess I've got to work on those three A's - awareness, acceptance and action

Guess I'm still a work in progress

I'm amazed yet again at the power of this program.

I really didn't want to go back to that place yet again. Just the thought of going back to that place was scaring the heck out of me. I was trying to keep from going, ignoring what was happening, not letting myself feel what was happening to me. I remember the work it took to climb out of the place, and I didn't know if I would have the strength to crawl back out again.

After having a day full of some great lows for me, feeling hopeless over the depression that seems to have enveloped me, I just did "the next right thing" and went to my f2f meeting last night. Even though I had to juggle some schedules to get there, no one questioned or judged why I was going ( hp at work yet again I'm thinking ) cause if that would have happened, I would have not went and just retreated back to that deep dark place.

I went to my f2f, only to find the topic was powerlessness. WOW  How true is that. I'm sooooooo powerless over this personal hell that I live with. I went to soak up others esh. As the meeting progressed I heard other things. Use the steps to work through problems in your life

Another clue that I had totaly overlooked and thought that I didn't need to apply to this situation. As the book went around the room and came to meet, I shared my personal struggle and how my Hp was once again opened my eyes, sent the right messages at the right time, and how I learned that I can use this program for something that I didn't think would work.

I was living my own little snowglobe again, with the door locked and myself inside again living in that deep dark place. Trying to ignore the outcome and hope that everything will work out. But without acknowledging what's happening, how can it change. Denial in it's finest form once again.  But I've open unlocked that door again and reached out and learned that once again...I'm not alone

Amazing what our Hp can teach us if only we have a little trust that some how, some way, things work themselves out. I've learned once again, that my HP has a bigger plan and I just need to sit and listen and I'll be shown the way. I'm still a work in progress

I feel like I just want to shut myself off to the world. Give me some food, tv, computer, movies, books, painting supplies. I want to escape from everything around me. I watnt to be by myself where no one needs or wants anything from me. I have no energy anymore and feel like I've got 2 pianos tied to my arse and have a million things to do and want to do, but just lack the energy to get anything done. Just the everday tasks I need to do zap what little energy I have in me.

Maybe this is my Hp's way of saying " Pumpkin hon, you need to just slow down ". After a very very busy spring and summer without alot of down time, maybe I'm just burned out. Sigh...I just don't know. All I know is what I'm feeling. At least I'm aware that it's happening. All I know right now is that I have to tighen my tool belt and goggles for my perception and hold on tight for the bit of serenity I do have. After all...I'm a work in progress

I feel like I'm stuck in a cocoon right now. I'm growing and recovering, but, those around me are not liking the "new me". I struggle with this daily. I've got such a great support group around me...everyone around here, and some great f2f friends from my home group. I know that is what is keeping me from going back to where I was before. I know in my mind that the changes they see scares them...but in my heart...I would not try to hamper their recovery. Sigh

There is still fear I guess. Fear that if I let this new person out totally, then what would happen. I'm trying to keep her in, not let much of "me" get out. A little at a time...let them get used to this part, then let a little more out. I'm trying to struggle to get out of the cocoon, and dry my wings so I can fly away. I don't know...maybe that's why I feel like I do. Hmmmmm Expectations too...guess I'm expecting those to give to me as I would give to them.

Really in perspective...that's not so bad. Others around me are fighting bigger and more powerful demons. So I guess my little problem...is not so big in light of others.