Pumpkin

Posted at 10:29:42 am

I'm amazed yet again at the power of this program.

I really didn't want to go back to that place yet again. Just the thought of going back to that place was scaring the heck out of me. I was trying to keep from going, ignoring what was happening, not letting myself feel what was happening to me. I remember the work it took to climb out of the place, and I didn't know if I would have the strength to crawl back out again.

After having a day full of some great lows for me, feeling hopeless over the depression that seems to have enveloped me, I just did "the next right thing" and went to my f2f meeting last night. Even though I had to juggle some schedules to get there, no one questioned or judged why I was going ( hp at work yet again I'm thinking ) cause if that would have happened, I would have not went and just retreated back to that deep dark place.

I went to my f2f, only to find the topic was powerlessness. WOW  How true is that. I'm sooooooo powerless over this personal hell that I live with. I went to soak up others esh. As the meeting progressed I heard other things. Use the steps to work through problems in your life

Another clue that I had totaly overlooked and thought that I didn't need to apply to this situation. As the book went around the room and came to meet, I shared my personal struggle and how my Hp was once again opened my eyes, sent the right messages at the right time, and how I learned that I can use this program for something that I didn't think would work.

I was living my own little snowglobe again, with the door locked and myself inside again living in that deep dark place. Trying to ignore the outcome and hope that everything will work out. But without acknowledging what's happening, how can it change. Denial in it's finest form once again.  But I've open unlocked that door again and reached out and learned that once again...I'm not alone

Amazing what our Hp can teach us if only we have a little trust that some how, some way, things work themselves out. I've learned once again, that my HP has a bigger plan and I just need to sit and listen and I'll be shown the way. I'm still a work in progress

The last little while, I have felt that uneasiness start to creep back into my life again. Today, it seems to have hit me, and I find myself falling fast back into a deep depression that I have suffered many many times over and over again. I do suffer from depression. There is a very very strong family history of it in my family. I can feel it rearing it's ugly head once again.

I feel like I just want to shut myself off to the world. Give me some food, tv, computer, movies, books, painting supplies. I want to escape from everything around me. I watnt to be by myself where no one needs or wants anything from me. I have no energy anymore and feel like I've got 2 pianos tied to my arse and have a million things to do and want to do, but just lack the energy to get anything done. Just the everday tasks I need to do zap what little energy I have in me.

Maybe this is my Hp's way of saying " Pumpkin hon, you need to just slow down ". After a very very busy spring and summer without alot of down time, maybe I'm just burned out. Sigh...I just don't know. All I know is what I'm feeling. At least I'm aware that it's happening. All I know right now is that I have to tighen my tool belt and goggles for my perception and hold on tight for the bit of serenity I do have. After all...I'm a work in progress

I have not blogged for awhile. Lots of things have been going on around me, I've been very busy with my job, my family, with some of my f2f group members, I've been busy. There is always something or someone that needs my attention, which doesn't leave much time for just me.

I feel like I'm stuck in a cocoon right now. I'm growing and recovering, but, those around me are not liking the "new me". I struggle with this daily. I've got such a great support group around me...everyone around here, and some great f2f friends from my home group. I know that is what is keeping me from going back to where I was before. I know in my mind that the changes they see scares them...but in my heart...I would not try to hamper their recovery. Sigh

There is still fear I guess. Fear that if I let this new person out totally, then what would happen. I'm trying to keep her in, not let much of "me" get out. A little at a time...let them get used to this part, then let a little more out. I'm trying to struggle to get out of the cocoon, and dry my wings so I can fly away. I don't know...maybe that's why I feel like I do. Hmmmmm Expectations too...guess I'm expecting those to give to me as I would give to them.

Really in perspective...that's not so bad. Others around me are fighting bigger and more powerful demons. So I guess my little problem...is not so big in light of others.

Posted at 10:05:45 am