I have finally decided to push past some of my fears, and move forward.  I simply can not continue down this path anymore.  I have to shed these chains that are bogging me down, and let go of that fear.  Fear that has stopped me from revealing another piece of me, who is ready to break free.  I need to push away the fear.  I have been waiting for others to change in my life, who are simply not going to.  Yes...I know that is an expectation but I'm finally ready to let that one go.   So that next right step is, pushing back those fears on the reactions from those around me.  I can't let the fear rule.  I simply can not be the people pleaser that they want me to be.  I just can not do it anymore.

I knew this was coming.  You know how you can just feel it starting.  You just can't ignore the feeling anymore.  Just can't let go of the expectations of others, or my own.  I can't ignore the reactions and behaviors of others.  I have wanted to " act " instead of " react " to situations.  I simply can't just say The Serenity Prayer or leave the room anymore so that I don't " react " to their behavior or words.  This was the only way that I could " act " to situations around me.  But I don't think I can do that anylonger.  I'm finding my backbone again.  And I'm breaking the chains that have bound me.  I won't allow fear to hold me back from revealing another piece of me.

I'm a work in progress!!!

I used to live in a snow globe of denial. It was not a very pretty place to be. It was full of lots of anger, resentment, expectations, rage, isolation, loneliness, blame, disappointment, shame, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, every negative feeling there was, it was crammed in that little globe. I lost myself somewhere in there. :'(

I could shake and shake it all I wanted, but it just wasn’t pretty in there anymore. No wonder no one ever wanted to come in and join me.:oops:

I’ve done a lot of housecleaning since then. It’s a place where I have let go of a lot of the negative feelings and thoughts. There are no more rodents on wheels with negative thoughts running and running. I’ve found a few people who join me now. The door is always open not locked with me inside all alone. I go there when I need to think positive recovery thinking. It’s no longer a place I go to retreat from the world thinking that I’m fooling those outside. The door is no longer locked with me shaking and shaking trying to make things better from the inside. I’m inside, enjoying the view. Come on in, I’ll be happy to have some company.

I'm a work in progress:>>

Here I sit once again. Feeling angry, hurt, fearful, resentful. Feeling like I did in pre Al-Anon days. Sigh...I've once again...let others expectations placed on me, make me feel inadequate, useless, lazy and other negative feelings. But yet, when I look at what I all do in a day. What's required of me, I accomplish alot. I wear many, many hats in a day. I rise early, and am busy until late at night. But yet, those negative feelings seem to still be there.

Why is it, that I can't accept that what others "think" or "expect" me to do in a day can sometimes be accomplished, and sometimes not. Why is taking time for myself a " bad thing ". Why can't I accept of where others are in their lives and there for I'm placing and expectation of where they are in their life.

Acceptance, letting go, and trust seem to be fishy slappping me in the face. Seems those three things, need for me to happen before I can move on. I need to accept myself as others see me, and accept them for who they are in return. Instead of trying to get them to accept me for who I am, I need to be true to myself. Trust that my Hp is watching over me. That I'm supposed to be right here, right now where I am today.

Guess I've got to work on those three A's - awareness, acceptance and action

Guess I'm still a work in progress

Posted at 10:29:42 am

I'm amazed yet again at the power of this program.

I really didn't want to go back to that place yet again. Just the thought of going back to that place was scaring the heck out of me. I was trying to keep from going, ignoring what was happening, not letting myself feel what was happening to me. I remember the work it took to climb out of the place, and I didn't know if I would have the strength to crawl back out again.

After having a day full of some great lows for me, feeling hopeless over the depression that seems to have enveloped me, I just did "the next right thing" and went to my f2f meeting last night. Even though I had to juggle some schedules to get there, no one questioned or judged why I was going ( hp at work yet again I'm thinking ) cause if that would have happened, I would have not went and just retreated back to that deep dark place.

I went to my f2f, only to find the topic was powerlessness. WOW  How true is that. I'm sooooooo powerless over this personal hell that I live with. I went to soak up others esh. As the meeting progressed I heard other things. Use the steps to work through problems in your life

Another clue that I had totaly overlooked and thought that I didn't need to apply to this situation. As the book went around the room and came to meet, I shared my personal struggle and how my Hp was once again opened my eyes, sent the right messages at the right time, and how I learned that I can use this program for something that I didn't think would work.

I was living my own little snowglobe again, with the door locked and myself inside again living in that deep dark place. Trying to ignore the outcome and hope that everything will work out. But without acknowledging what's happening, how can it change. Denial in it's finest form once again.  But I've open unlocked that door again and reached out and learned that once again...I'm not alone

Amazing what our Hp can teach us if only we have a little trust that some how, some way, things work themselves out. I've learned once again, that my HP has a bigger plan and I just need to sit and listen and I'll be shown the way. I'm still a work in progress

The last little while, I have felt that uneasiness start to creep back into my life again. Today, it seems to have hit me, and I find myself falling fast back into a deep depression that I have suffered many many times over and over again. I do suffer from depression. There is a very very strong family history of it in my family. I can feel it rearing it's ugly head once again.

I feel like I just want to shut myself off to the world. Give me some food, tv, computer, movies, books, painting supplies. I want to escape from everything around me. I watnt to be by myself where no one needs or wants anything from me. I have no energy anymore and feel like I've got 2 pianos tied to my arse and have a million things to do and want to do, but just lack the energy to get anything done. Just the everday tasks I need to do zap what little energy I have in me.

Maybe this is my Hp's way of saying " Pumpkin hon, you need to just slow down ". After a very very busy spring and summer without alot of down time, maybe I'm just burned out. Sigh...I just don't know. All I know is what I'm feeling. At least I'm aware that it's happening. All I know right now is that I have to tighen my tool belt and goggles for my perception and hold on tight for the bit of serenity I do have. After all...I'm a work in progress