9/5/10

The topic for the Sunday night meeting was Communication. Good topic. Especially since I couldn't stay connected long enough to even read anyone's share much less share myself. This is a wonderful example of how tough communication is. Well, I Am better than I was a couple of years ago. I Can share now. Although I find it much easier to share via the written word than verbally. Phone is hard and face to face near impossible.

Expressing myself verbally is very difficult for me. When faced with a situation, I tend to draw a blank. I am not good at impromptu. I have to think about it first. I can't tell you how many arguments I had with my ex that an hour later I came up with the perfect rebuttal. Sigh...

Telling someone what I am really feeling is risky. Rejection is a possibility. Besides, who wants to hear My thoughts? My next right thing may be getting fitted for one of those funky white jackets. Have to be careful what I share and with whom. At least that is my impression.

My listening skills have gotten better. Focusing on what a person is saying is so much easier when you can relate to what they are telling you. Although I have noticed that my listening skills have served me well at work. I have learned when to shut up and let the other person talk. That can work to my advantage when the discussion becomes heated. I am hoping I can use these new skills in dealing with my ex. Although there seems to be too much emotion in those situations. But I am learning.

Learning to talk and communicate with other people is key to developing healthy relationships. I am tired of hiding how I feel. Tired of feeling inadequate because I can't communicate effectively. It is a process. One that takes time and practice to learn.

Feeling bruised, tired, emotionally drained.  Red lights flashing that I need to take care of myself.  I am being very careful right now.  Making a point of eating right, adhering to my walking schedule and getting to bed on time.  Today I went out to lunch with a co-worker and met a friend of hers.  She was a hoot.  Made me smile and laugh.  Needed that.  I am giving special focus to my job.  Doing well at work is a big part of taking care of me.  It pays the bills after all.  I am letting a few things slide like ummm housework (shhh).  I've decided that right now it isn't very important.  I am very glad that a long weekend is approaching.  I need the time off work.  And I hope that my kids and I can have a fun weekend together without too much strife.  I have a couple of ideas of what we can do-hope it pans out.  I need a rest from all of this "stuff".  So for the next few days I am going to tip toe around and try not to stir things up.  Time to heal and be gentle with me.

8/30/10

Today was not a pleasant day for me. I awakened with a feeling of uneasiness. My horoscope didn't soothe my feelings either. It told me that I was going to have to really focus at work today. Which I did for the most part. I kept to myself and managed not to tear into anyone. At lunchtime I sat out on the balcony and closed my eyes for a bit and just listened to the wind blow and all the other sounds around me. That helped for a bit.

I realized later that afternoon that my uneasiness was related to my having to go to meet-the- teacher night. My ex husband was going to be there. I know he is the kids' dad and I am going to have to deal with him forever. He has a right to be at these functions. He Should be there.

I don't like the way I feel when I am around him. I don't like the way I look, I feel inadequate, fat, nervous, tension filled, anxious, like I don't belong. I am very self-conscious when I am around him. We have a conversation and it is all I can do to look at him when we speak. I just want to run out of the room. I am scared of him. I know he can't touch me anymore. But my head still gets filled up with horrible memories when I am around him. I swear I can smell the cigarettes and Jack Daniels from across the room.

I also cringe when I think of all the things that I let happen. I could have left a long time ago and a lot of these things would not have happened. The ole I did it to myself syndrome. It is not all his fault. I let him do this to me. I didn't stop it. I argued as best I could, but I always caved in to his demands. When do I get to stop carrying around this baggage? I know it is not good for me. It is holding me back. Logically I know all this. Emotionally is another story.

Tonight during meditation, we were instructed to let go. I desperately want to do this. I really like meditation. It gives me the chance to experience different things. To see and to listen and to learn. Normally it is not an emotional experience. Tonight it was. I was feeling all sorts of things dealing with my situation. I started crying. I have never cried during meditation before so I felt like I was missing out. I was wasting my only group meditation time. Of course that made me more upset. But I know now that I was processing my emotions. I was releasing them. Maybe letting go a little. I was doing what needed to be done. I guess I did learn something tonite. A different use for meditation.

I have this huge hangup with dealing with my ex and letting go of the past. I am still feeling the victim. He was wrong dammit. Too bad I can't have surgery and have it cut out of me. Or some sort of hypnosis that just blows it all out of my brain. I am so tired of it all. This is some terrible forgiveness, self forgiveness loop that I keep chasing. Knowing what I need to do but not knowing how. Please Hp (or someone) show me how.

8/29/10

Today is one of those days where the tools don't seem to be working. I am in my head today. It started yesterday and I recognized it. So I made plans for today. I set my alarm to get up and get ready to go out and about. The alarm went off and I rolled over. Big mistake. My dreams were not good. They were so real that at one point I did wake up again and had to remind myself that it was only a dream. It was not real. It wasn't happening again.

When I finally rolled out of bed, I started moving. My head was screaming that if I didn't get going I would be in real trouble. Okay, fine I practically flew out of the apartment. Off to the local flea market. Maybe I could do some early Christmas shopping. Uh huh, yea right. I am not That organized. I saw lots of stuff I liked, but did not buy anything because I knew that I would just be buying to buy. There was nothing there that I actually needed. Although the beagle puppy was tempting, I was glad my daughter wasn't with me. Fortunately, I listened to myself then and walked away. Sometimes it's a good thing when your mind is talking to you.

I knew when I left the apartment this morning that there was a noon alanon meeting up near the flea market. I hadn't convinced myself that I was going when I left. But when I was almost done at the flea market and saw the time I knew that was my next stop. This is what I wanted, what I needed. To sit and listen. Read a couple of pages. Share. And get some hugs.  Omg do I need a hug.

I pulled up into the full parking lot and watched as people were going into the AA door. I walked into the alanon room and it was empty. Looked at my watch and the clock on the wall...right on time. So I sat down. Five minutes later...no one. Ten minutes later...no one. Damn! Didn't they know I need a meeting? Oh well, headed for home. Talking to myself the whole way. And wouldn't you know it I made a wrong turn. Not paying attention to where I was going. Too upset to really even care. I drove around for a bit. I knew that if I just kept heading south and east I would get home. And I did. Two years ago I would have had a major anxiety attack over this. Today, I am just depressed because I didn't get a meeting.

Well I have written this out and used another tool in my box of tricks. Maybe a nap is in order...

I have had a couple weeks without chaos.  Sitting with the topic of forgiveness.  Not sure if I have made any progress with it.  I certainly haven't felt the urge to write about it.  It is still in the back of my head.  I think I am a little disappointed that I haven't had this huge feeling come over me and discovered that I have forgiven all.  I guess that is not the way it is going to happen for me.  Nothing comes easy.  And it is all in little steps.  Maybe it is the things I don't really think about anymore that I have forgiven.  Is that how I do it?  It just sort of happens without me realizing it?  With no angst or huge shifts of emotion?  I just move on?  Hmmm, I may be on to something here.

Having a third party who is not emotionally involved helps me get my head back together.  I am going to work on changing my thinking when I am in certain situations and see how it goes.  Who knows this just might help the forgiveness process I am working on.  I am feeling lighter on my feet tonight!  I am so glad I keep this monthly appointment with myself.

I have been thinking about this subject all week. In an earlier blog I mentioned a lot of reasons of why to forgive. And wouldn't you know it, I have been feeling a lot of the physical and mental reasons I listed. Reliving a lot of things. It has been a rough week. I am not liking this. Is this part of the process of forgiving? Is Hp giving me a dose of why I should do this?

I recently started praying again. (this week) I was told that I should pray for my ex. Everyday. I should also pray for the willingness to forgive. I was really skeptical about this. Especially since it bothers me that my ex is even breathing. I am not on real good terms with Hp lately. So I am feeling a little hypocritical and guilty. It's hard to pray to someone/thing that you aren't real sure of. But I am trying it again, because it has worked in the past for other things.

Ever since this forgiveness issue plopped down, I feel like I have been struggling to pick up the pieces of my life. Things are going wrong. Out of control. I am having to make decisions about things that I know nothing about. My head is whirling and the energy is streaming. Stressed out. Lacking sleep. I feel like I am in the beginning stages of awakening again. All those feelings and emotions and physical reactions are back.

But I am working on it. I made it to the city to participate in a group meditation. I have managed 2 walks with a friend. I have taken care of some issues I am having with my computer. I don't feel better yet. But I am figuring out Why I need to forgive. I have started praying again. To Hp...to God...to whoever It is... I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want.. I want.. I want... Please help... Breathing.... To be continued....

I am looking at forgiveness these days.  Homework plopped in my lap.  I spent yesterday afternoon thinking and googling. Last night was spent dreaming.  I awoke at some point and realized that I was still holding myself tightly.  My muscles were aching.  My hands were clenched so hard that my thumbs hurt.  They still are stiff as I am writing this. 
 
Why to forgive?  Well, I realized in the middle of the night that I am still having all sorts of physical reactions to Greg and his actions towards me and the kids.  In addition to the way I am sleeping, I have acid reflux.  Mostly at night.  I have anxiety when I am in the same general vicinity of him.  My stomach knots up so hard that I can't even breathe when I am in conflict with him.  I could actually feel the knot last time and my stomach was sore for days after.  When in conflict with him my adrenaline soars and the anger is barely containable.  But I am containing it.  Internally.  And that is not a good thing. 
 
I thought I was doing great at not letting him see my reactions to him.  But I guess the point is that I am still reacting.   I am reacting inside.  I need to get to the point where that is not happening.
 
In addition to the physical there is a mental component here.  I am still fearful of him.  He still has a lot of power and control over me.  I let this happen.  I try to be strong and carry on, do my own thing, and communicate when necessary. But I guess that is not working.  Pretending everything is ok, faking it til you make it, is just repression.  Then it comes spewing out.  And not in a healthful manner.  My anger and resentments against Greg are having an effect on my relationship with my son.  He looks so much like his dad, and even acts like him too.  Some of that I don't like.  I see his dad's laziness in him. The I deserve this without working for it mentality.   I am the crazy woman in his life. 
 
Why should I forgive?  So that I will feel better about myself?  Raise my self esteem?  Continue to try to take the high road without Ego creeping in?  Am I waiting for an apology from him?  Ha!  Not likely.  Will it rid me of all this stress I feel?  The foggy head?  The anxiety of even being around him?  Is it the right thing to do?  Why am I freaked out about the thought of this. 

To be continued...