Barbn

03/30/10

Well I am slowly recovering from my awful weekend.  My recovery started Sunday night when I decided to take a soak.  I laid in the tub for over an hour soaking in baby oil.  Letting the cool water out and adding in the hot.  Letting my thoughts go where they may.  I finally got to the point I felt I was relaxed enough to meditate.  It was an absolutely awesome meditation.  I got done and felt immensely better.  I had hit a place in my meditation I hadn't been to before.  I also think I had let go a lot of what had been troubling me. 

Monday I was feeling the after effects of so much emotion.  I was drained of all energy.  I really hate emotional hangovers.  Fortunately I was able to keep busy at work and not think too much.  I managed a meeting online and shared.  I also got to talk to a friend and get an attitude/power boost.  It's amazing what the sound of a voice can do to help.  Words on the computer are just not enough sometimes.  Sometimes just hearing the caring behind the words does the trick. 

Today was a little shakey.  Still recovering.  Feeling a little flighty and what I call floaty.  Not quite all there.  It's wierd  watching yourself try to function.  When I am like this I have to pay close attention to what I am doing.  Especially driving.  LOL Been known to get lost or umm have difficulties with cooking on the stove. 

As the week goes on I know I just have to be gentle with myself and not try to do to much.  No over extending allowed.  In my opinion recovering from an emotional period is like recovering from the flu.  You have to take it easy.

03/28/10

I heard the word reciprocity the other day. And being me I decided to google it.  Turns out the definition involves expectations.  Reciprocity is the Expectation that others will respond to each other in similar ways.  In simplistic terms-if I'm nice to you, you will be nice to me-or of course there is the opposite of that also.  Reciprocity has a little of the Golden Rule thrown in there too.  Although the Golden Rule has the concepts of turning the other cheek, forgiveness and gratitude attached to it.  Reciprocity has more to do with how equal a relationship or situation is.  What do both parties get out of the relationship? Do they benefit equally?

I have one or two relationships (friends) that I can honestly say that I benefit from.  Until recently I thought I had more.  It was a shock to discover that I was wrong.  Well maybe not a shock, but I was and am extremely disappointed in them and in myself.  It's another characteristic/pattern about myself that has been revealed.  Throughout my life I have been a giver.  I take care of things.  I take care of people. I am open and honest. And extremely loyal.  I was always taught that if you are nice to people and are concerned about their well being, it will be returned to you ten-fold.  I am over-sensitive to others feelings.  I am too empathetic.  I have to be careful in who I share with and who I allow to share with me.  Otherwise I get too wrapped up. 

This program has taught me to share my feelings.  To experience them.  To not fear them or others.  I have felt safe doing so.  I feel like I have grown up and matured in this program.  I can be honest about myself and be honest about others.  I work hard at working all aspects of this program.  I have come to know a lot of people.  Some I considered to be good friends.  But lately I have discovered to my dismay that it may all be one-sided with some of them.  Once again I have given my heart and its getting stomped on. 

I guess this is a learning experience for me.  Don't give too much of myself.  Save some for me.  Seems kind of cold and callous.  Something I'm not really good at.  I know I am not perfect.  My mouth tends to run.  I've stuck my foot in it many of times.  My right is not always someone else's right.  But when I realize it or when it's pointed out to me, I make my amends.  I don't have a problem admitting when I am wrong.  In fact it bothers me if I've hurt someone.  But I can't make amends if I don't know what I've done. 

My values, morals and work ethic are not the same as everyone else's.   They work for me.  They make me who I am.  I need to learn that if I am not benefiting from a relationship or if I am being taken advantage of or gossiped about to let it go.  It's probably not worth saving.  I don't need the drama it would take to salvage it.  If it could even Be salvaged.  I try not to give up on things, ideas or people.  I am always looking for the good.  But I am learning that maybe the right thing to do is to give up.  Let it go.  Learn something.  Move on.  Remind myself that the people are in this program for a reason.   They are sick.  I am sick.  Some are more focused on recovery than others.  Some talk but don't walk.  I want to walk....

03/11/10

 This weekend I am off on a new adventure.  The kids are with their dad for spring break and I am on my own.  I decided that I needed to do something for me.  Time to be selfish again.  Time to learn and do new things.  Time to relax. Time to eat some good food and laugh.  Time to meet some new people.

I like these weekend jaunts.  Not too long away from home and my bed.  But a chance to experience something I haven't before.  One of these days, when I have accumulated vacation time, I will go for a longer and bigger adventure.  These are my practice trips.  To see how I handle it.  Am I capable of finding my own way around.  I am still getting help with part of the journey. But that is ok because that is what friends do. 

 I can't wait to find out what I learn about myself this weekend.  Laters...

03/06/10

My fears are alive and kicking this morning.  I am contemplating facing some of them and they are fighting back.  I am trying hard to push them aside.  But they there and are not going away til I do something.  I have left them alone long enough.  My brain is screaming run away.  My body is paralyzed.   I am staying busy.  Keeping occupied.  Not sure when I want to sit down with them.  Can I do this?  Not sure yet.  But I am breathing.

2/27/10

Well I just finished my taxes today.  First time I have done them by myself in many years.  Taxes were one thing that I ceded to hubby.  Not by choice but in order to keep his ego soothed.  But now that I am single (or should I say Head of Household) it is my job again.  Found some free soft ware and went at it.  I got all excited because it looks like I am going to get a refund from the feds and the state.  I did my taxes both ways and discovered I am back to just getting the standard exemption.  No itemizing needed.  That's ok, makes life a lot easier.  But it sure got me off on a tangent.

I started looking at tax deductions. IE:  Houses.  I happened to see my balances in my accounts at the end of the year and decided that they would make a pretty good down payment. So off I was to RealEstate.com.  I spent 2 hours looking around. Saw several houses that had possibilities.  But I started thinking about want I wanted.  Did I want to live in the country? With few neighbors but pretty scenery.  Or did I want to live in the city with no yard work and neighbors I didn't know? Or live in a neighborhood with a yard that I would probably be unable to keep up.  Sigh... I realized I still don't know what I want.  I have a hard time just doing the day to day things in an apartment. How would I be able to do all the things required in owning a house? I can't.  I am not there yet.  So I took a nap instead. 

Naps are a great place to hide.  They are a great excuse not to do things.  You lay down and before you know it half the day is over.  Phew, almost time for bed.  And when someone asks how you are, all you have to say is "I took a nap."  No one is the wiser as to how you really are.   They just think you have time for naps.  Or that you are taking really good care of yourself.  They have no idea that naps are the perfect hiding place.  Don't want to think about something or do something?  Take a nap.  Now I do know that naps are healing.  Lots of stuff is going on in my sub conscious.  Things that I probably can't deal with while I am awake.  My brain is sorting them out and dishing it out a little at a time.  I am guessing my naps are needed right now.  So I am going to go with them.  Nothing much else to do.