Barbn

Had my monthly head shrinkage appointment today (therapy session).  And for the first time in a long while.  I walked out thinking that was worth it.  It was worth the drive and the copay.  We discussed the topic I wanted to talk about and I may have found a new way to approach it.  It will take some practice as does everything else in life, but I think I can do it. 

Having a third party who is not emotionally involved helps me get my head back together.  I am going to work on changing my thinking when I am in certain situations and see how it goes.  Who knows this just might help the forgiveness process I am working on.  I am feeling lighter on my feet tonight!  I am so glad I keep this monthly appointment with myself.

I have been thinking about this subject all week. In an earlier blog I mentioned a lot of reasons of why to forgive. And wouldn't you know it, I have been feeling a lot of the physical and mental reasons I listed. Reliving a lot of things. It has been a rough week. I am not liking this. Is this part of the process of forgiving? Is Hp giving me a dose of why I should do this?

I recently started praying again. (this week) I was told that I should pray for my ex. Everyday. I should also pray for the willingness to forgive. I was really skeptical about this. Especially since it bothers me that my ex is even breathing. I am not on real good terms with Hp lately. So I am feeling a little hypocritical and guilty. It's hard to pray to someone/thing that you aren't real sure of. But I am trying it again, because it has worked in the past for other things.

Ever since this forgiveness issue plopped down, I feel like I have been struggling to pick up the pieces of my life. Things are going wrong. Out of control. I am having to make decisions about things that I know nothing about. My head is whirling and the energy is streaming. Stressed out. Lacking sleep. I feel like I am in the beginning stages of awakening again. All those feelings and emotions and physical reactions are back.

But I am working on it. I made it to the city to participate in a group meditation. I have managed 2 walks with a friend. I have taken care of some issues I am having with my computer. I don't feel better yet. But I am figuring out Why I need to forgive. I have started praying again. To Hp...to God...to whoever It is... I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want.. I want.. I want... Please help... Breathing.... To be continued....

I am looking at forgiveness these days.  Homework plopped in my lap.  I spent yesterday afternoon thinking and googling. Last night was spent dreaming.  I awoke at some point and realized that I was still holding myself tightly.  My muscles were aching.  My hands were clenched so hard that my thumbs hurt.  They still are stiff as I am writing this. 
 
Why to forgive?  Well, I realized in the middle of the night that I am still having all sorts of physical reactions to Greg and his actions towards me and the kids.  In addition to the way I am sleeping, I have acid reflux.  Mostly at night.  I have anxiety when I am in the same general vicinity of him.  My stomach knots up so hard that I can't even breathe when I am in conflict with him.  I could actually feel the knot last time and my stomach was sore for days after.  When in conflict with him my adrenaline soars and the anger is barely containable.  But I am containing it.  Internally.  And that is not a good thing. 
 
I thought I was doing great at not letting him see my reactions to him.  But I guess the point is that I am still reacting.   I am reacting inside.  I need to get to the point where that is not happening.
 
In addition to the physical there is a mental component here.  I am still fearful of him.  He still has a lot of power and control over me.  I let this happen.  I try to be strong and carry on, do my own thing, and communicate when necessary. But I guess that is not working.  Pretending everything is ok, faking it til you make it, is just repression.  Then it comes spewing out.  And not in a healthful manner.  My anger and resentments against Greg are having an effect on my relationship with my son.  He looks so much like his dad, and even acts like him too.  Some of that I don't like.  I see his dad's laziness in him. The I deserve this without working for it mentality.   I am the crazy woman in his life. 
 
Why should I forgive?  So that I will feel better about myself?  Raise my self esteem?  Continue to try to take the high road without Ego creeping in?  Am I waiting for an apology from him?  Ha!  Not likely.  Will it rid me of all this stress I feel?  The foggy head?  The anxiety of even being around him?  Is it the right thing to do?  Why am I freaked out about the thought of this. 

To be continued...  

Last weekend I spent a wonderful weekend with friends.  Monday morning I walked into the start of DRAMA WEEK.  Mostly at work but some in my personal life also.  I swear my door at work was closed more than it was open.  Sigh....  It seemed like everyone was having a problem this past week.  Two people got fired and two got written up.  There were  lots of phone calls and meetings.  And tucked in there was a crisis with ex and son.  Which I handled admirably if I say so myself.  At least externally... internally I was raging.  But I kept dipping into the well I built up over the weekend.  I had stuff to give.  I could and did handle everything that was thrown at me.  Now I'm pretty tired this weekend because the week was very stressful.  But I used the tools,  picked up the phone, meditatated, breathed, talked, worked thru it and did Not have a melt down.  I am  looking forward to the pillow tonite though.

7/5/10

This disease creates a sense of loneliness that is very hard to shake. I can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. I can be at work and still be lonely.

Alcoholism is very isolating to friends and families. No one understands what I have gone through. Or am going through.

Add a divorce on top of that and it becomes even worse. Kids are gone half the time. More time to spend with me. Oh Boy...

I have actually done pretty well lately. But one of the consequences of my trip I recently took was a realization that I was going to be alone for a long time.

I know being alone and loneliness are two separate concepts. But sometimes they come together and become one. I have struggled this weekend with this.

Of course looking at all my flaws, beating myself up over them. Doing all that I am not supposed to do if I am working a good program.

Well I tried doing some things to work a good program. But mainly I slept and when I was awake I cried. Dwelling and grieving. Not liking myself. Making lists of all the bad stuff in my head. Ugh.

Thankfully today I was distracted from all this by my daughter. I am still sad and lonely. But I am hoping I got a lot of the emotions out this weekend. And that I can get back to working my program.