Barbn

Living with an alcoholic husband turned me into a person who could not speak up for herself. A doormat. One who became afraid to do anything. I did my best to protect me and my children.

It got to the point where I had no friends and I isolated myself in the house. They only time I left was to participate in activities that involved my children. I had no voice. It was gone. Taken away by fear. And if I did venture to speak up, my views were not listened to. They were condemned and told that they were wrong as was I.

When I finally came to the realization that I was going to die if I didn't do something to change my situation, I found Al-anon. That was my first thing I did afraid. My husband hated Al-anon. I was afraid of him but I knew that this was the right thing to do.

From the time I made that first step I have been slowing doing things for myself. Most of the time I have been scared to death. I have gotten a job. Separated and then divorced. But I have kept going on.

I have started traveling. That is another thing I am doing afraid. I have made several trips for business, some for myself and a couple with my kids. I am now tossing about buying a house. Major scary stuff there.

But every forward step I take, no matter how afraid I am, seems to be working out. I figure it like this: Either what I am doing is so horrible that it is a relief when it is over or It wasn't so bad after all. Either way I walked through it and I can move on.

Doing things afraid has made me more confident in dealing with my everyday life. I am better at my job, I am feeling better mentally and physically, things are just Better.

I made a comment the other day to a friend saying I was boring. There is no chaos in my life right now. Some days I find myself looking around for it. But mostly I am grateful that a lot of the chaos is gone and I can just deal with life now. And I have a program and a fellowship to help me with that too.