Barbn

5/9/10

My kids are a blessing.  I got to spend time with them today.  They took me out for breakfast and paid for it themselves.   They were so proud of themselves.  Son even figured out the tip with the tip calculator on his cell phone.  They outdid themselves by getting along today.  Even allowing me to have a nap.  Son got me a very funny card and a huge box of chocolates.  It was his usual gift because he doesnt have a clue what to get me for a present.   Daughter got me a huge cup to drink my tea out of and a bracelet with fresh water pearls and a hematite bead.  She remembered that I am getting interested in gem stones and their healing properties.  She is so thoughtful and its just another example of her paying attention to the wants, needs and interests of another person.  All of this at age eleven. 

Today was a hard day for me.  I am getting really tired of pretending.  I did have a nice time with my kids provided I stayed right there with them.  In the moment.  But I felt myself slipping away.  It was tough to come back each time.  I love my kids dearly.  And I don't want to give them any hint that anything is wrong.  Mainly because I dont want to worry them.  I am plenty worried myself without having to deal with that right now. 

 I am stuck.  Spinning in circles.  I dont have a clue as to what to do.  I am in a big funk and having a hard time getting out of it.   I am so tense and in my head.  I know the key to getting better is to Let Go of it All.  To realize that I have no control over anything.  Sigh... But I just cant seem to do that.  I wake up every morning and my muscles ache from holding myself so hard.  My thumbs hurt because I have clenched fists.  I cant even relax during sleep.  How the hell am I supposed to do it during my waking hours? 

My walls are up.  Everytime I start to let them down something happens and back up they go.  I peek and peer over them, wanting them to come down.  But its painful to let my guard down.  Whenever I give it a try, I get hurt and another layer gets added.  One thing about me is that I dont quit.  Not unless I see continuing is futile.  I am going to continue to go to my therapist, work my program, take care of my kids, do my job and try to figure out what I am supposed to be doing.  Wow wouldnt it be a pisser if doing all that is what I am Supposed to be doing?   Sigh.....

Smiling and nodding     xxoo