Barbn

4/30/10

Woke up this morning feeling really crappy.  Heart is heavy, very sad.  Don't look at me wrong or I'll cry.  As I examine why I feel this way, I can't come up with one single reason.  I guess there isn't any one thing.  It's a culmunation of things.  My expectations that life would be all hunky dory after my divorce.  The loneliness is a lot more intense than I thought it would be.  The exhaustion I feel in the evenings after work seems to preclude doing outside activities.  No energy to even do the basic chores.  Depressed?  Hmm yah maybe. 

5/01/10

Not proud of myself today.  Went off on my daughter because she wasn't doing what I wanted her to do.  Well she stood up for herself and prevailed.  I threw a hissy fit but went along with her wishes.  She decided what she wanted to do for her science fair project and I wasnt happy with her decision.  I broke my rule about interfering in homework.  But at the time I thought my reasons were sound.  She called and whined to dad.  And that made me feel like a shit.  So off we went into the storms and wind and tornados.  Not a good day to be driving around.  But this stupid project is due in 2 weeks.  Took us four stores to find all the supplies.  By the time I got home I had had it.  I was tired, stressed, frightened and hungry.  I ate and went to bed.  Slept for an hour.  Felt much better when I woke up.  I took it easy the rest of the day. 

Today was just an example of not being with it.  I hate days/weeks like this.  One of my employees commented yesterday that they can always tell when its time for me to go to a therapy session.  Surprised me.  I thought I was doing well at work maintaining my serenity.  Guess I need more practice.  I try really hard to keep work separate from everything.  Usually I can focus and leave my problems at the door when I am working.  Its important to me that I do that since I need this job. 

I think I have things so compartmentalized that when I get home I just melt down at times.  I am not very good with balance I think.  I get too intense with stuff.  Oh well, its who I am.  Hopefully I can shake this off and tomorrow will be a better day.