Barbn

04/27/10

A word is all it took.  I didn't even realize it at the time.  It didnt even really hit my concious mind.  It wasn't until I was meditating that it came forward front and center.  What's odd is that I wasn't even struggling with this concept.  I had something totally else on my mind. 
 
I sat down to meditate.  Getting comfortable and quiet.  Normally I chase my thoughts away.  I don't want them.  I just want to Be and experience what ever is there.  But tonight was different.  As I settled down, the word Abandonment floated by and dropped in my lap.  I had heard that word earlier in the day.  Brushed it off.  Because I didn't want to hear it.  But it came back saying pay attention to me. 
 
My first thought was that I was never abandoned.  Not in the true sense of the word.  But when I thought of it as a fear, if it could be one of my fears, I realize I do have an issue with this.  Please dont leave me. (cringes)  I thought back as to who all in my life has left me.
 
My parents divorced when I was 16.  My father moved out.  He left.  He was soon replaced in my mother's life by my step-father.  She left.  Abandonment does not have to be physical.  It can be emotional too.  She became more his wife than my mother.  But then I left, escaped (abandoned ?) my younger sisters for college life.  My sisters soon scattered as they grew up.  We didn't have much contact when I was in my 20's and 30's.

 When I married and came to the realization that family was important I tried to establish contact.  But without much luck.  All contact is even to this day initiated by me.  So I changed my focus to my husband's family.  He had a large family full of brothers.  I was the first sister & daughter-in-law.  I could tell that they were starting to scatter.  But I didn't want that for my kids.  I wanted them to know their family.  Because I knew they probably wouldn't have much contact with my side. 

 That worked for a few years.  Until my husbands drinking progressed.  First friends started disappearing.  Then socializing with coworkers stopped.  And not just his, mine as well. 

Soon it was just me, husband and kids. Two to three times a year we would participate in his families activities.  Comments would be made about the drinking. 

 Two and a half years ago I realized how alone, afraid and sick this whole situation was.  I sought help.  And have found it.  But I am still afraid.  Alcohol caused my husband to abandon our marriage and our kids.  He was still there but not really.  I tried hard not to leave.  But in the end I didn't have much of a choice.  It was either stay in a horrible situation or leave. It was then that his family abandoned me by taking sides.  But I was the one abandoning my marriage and to some extent my kids.  So I guess I have experience on both sides of this issue. 

 How am I handling it now?  The same way I always do.  By trying to become indespensible.  Don't leave me, you need me, I need you, please don't go away, what can I do to prevent that.  I am alone and I hate it.  Sigh, here it is low self esteem biting me on the butt again.  Pounding my head on the wall seeing just how sick I am.  Wonders why I don't just check into the looney bin and be done with it. 

 How do I stop?  Not quite sure.  But I am aware of it now.  I guess that is step one.  It's funny how one word can bring on a step four inventory.  Program is becoming ingrained whether I like it or not.  Awareness and awakening to all my defects.  Learning something new everyday-about myself and the world-never stops...it's why I keep going.