Barbn

04/25/10

I don't know.  I wake up every morning thinking, "Ok I can get through this day."  But why?  What am I doing that is so important that I get through it?  Happiness is fleeting.  I truly expected to be happy by now.  I worked my butt off for the last 2.5 yrs to get to this point in my life.  Went through lots of change.  Heartache.  Not just for me but also for my kids.  I work hard every day.  Not just at my job but on me.  I read, I participate in meetings, I go to therapy.  For what?   So I can feel just as shitty?  What was/is the point of all this? 

Ok, I am awake now.  I feel things more intensely.  I question everything.  I am starved for information.  I could care less about the stuff they put on Tv.  I don't even watch it.  It's horrible stuff.  Why do I need to know about people's indiscretions?  I watched a news type show the other night while keeping track of the storms in my area.  It was about some guy who killed his wife.  Why is that on TV?  It's horrible.  It's not entertainment. 

What do I do with myself now that I am awake?  Am I doing it?  Get up, go to work, see my kids a couple days a week, get on line, talk to newcomers in meetings.  Isn't there something more to all this?  A higher purpose?  Is what I am doing really necessary?  I mean c'mon, anyone can do my job.  My kid's father has stepped up to the plate and become involved in their lives. I don't always agree with his methods or actions but so far the kids are working it out.  They don't really need me.  Does anyone?

Today I went to wally world so I could make my weekly contribution.  I ended up in the dressing room trying on a pair of shorts with my eyes closed.  I can't stand it.  I can't look at myself anymore.  I know I need to lose weight.  I know the key is diet and exercise.  Right now I don't have the power though.  I'm not ready and I hate myself for it.  It took me 20 yrs to quit smoking and deal with my A husband.  Hopefully it won't take 20 yrs to lose weight. 

So what's the point of it all?  Why am I here?  Why have I gone through what I did?  Why did I awaken?  Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier to just remain ignorant to it all.  But I really don't remember a lot of what went on.  Time has faded a lot of it.  Or maybe I have blocked it out.    

Sigh...I know I'm down. I also know that I have scratched the surface here.  Most of my thoughts are too scary to put down on paper even if I could express them.  I know that it is not going to last forever.  Sure wish it would go away though and give me a break.  Keep the light on for me y'all.