Barbn

04/11/10

Well I have decided I had a growth weekend.  I was/am grumbly.  Yesterday I worked hard at keeping out of my head.  Didn’t always work but I made it through the day.  Today I woke up at 10am.  I haven’t slept in that late in years.  I got out of bed thinking “I am not going to feel guilty for sleeping the day away.” 

I sat on the couch trying to decide what to do with myself.  I was not motivated to clean or do more laundry.  I could feel myself sinking into the couch.  My mood was sinking.  I started working on some computer maintenance and realized I did not have the patience for that today.  I had to get out of the apartment. 

It was a pretty day.  So I headed to the mall.  We have outdoor malls here so that means lots of walking.  I parked pretty far away and resolved to not go back to the car and move it.  Forcing myself to get exercise.  I had a couple things in mind that I wanted to purchase so I went looking.  Found one item at a reasonable price.  Ok I’m doing good. 

As I was looking for the second item the brain kicked into gear.  Sigh…  I was looking around at all these things that I really liked but either could not afford or had no place for in my small apartment.  Depressing.  The I can’t haves.  In my wanderings I realized what I was doing so I moved on to a different store.  Big mistake.  Clothes.  Yikes!  Saw a couple cute things but soon realized that I would have to try them on.  Nope not doing that.  I have to be in the mood for that and today wasn’t it. 

By this time I was being really hard on myself and decided I had had enough of this whole shopping thing.  My car was on the opposite end of the parking lot and I had a lot of walking to do.  On my way I passed a fabric/crafts store and popped in.  I am not a craft type person but my daughter is and I decided that she would probably love this store.  I also found a couple of pillow inserts the size I wanted and found some material that would make great pillow covers.  But did I buy it? Nope.  At the time my head was so far gone I couldn’t even make the decision to buy something I had been looking for all afternoon.  I ran for the truck and high-tailed it home.

Got home and ate.  Boy did I need to do that.  Talked to a couple of friends and rested.  Then decided that I need to do Something constructive today.  I have had these boxes in my hallway for a year and a half.  They are filled with china.  Today I bought china storage containers.  I decided to use them and get these boxes out of my hallway.  While I was unwrapping all the plates, bowls and cups I realized that I had been living here for awhile. And I had better get used to the fact that I’m going to be here for awhile longer.  There is no reason not to get this stuff put away.  I also have a box of pictures that need to be hung.  I need to get off my butt and do that too. 

But as I was looking at the china and knowing I’ll probably never use it again, I wondered is this It?  Should I just hunker down here?  Is it time to put this stuff away and make this place more of a home than a place to stay?  I’m battered like the one plate that didn’t make it.  It’s too bad it’s broken because it’s going to take a lot of effort to find a replacement.  I know it can be done.  And I’m pretty sure I know where to look.  But do I have the energy or the drive/ motivation to do it?  It’s just a plate… one that I really doubt I’ll ever use again. 

I wonder if I have really accepted the way my life is now?  I seem to be fighting it.  What is it going to take for me to be happy with the way things are right now?  Isn’t that what I am supposed to be striving for?  I seem to reach a goal and then it becomes “ok what’s next…“ What’s my problem? Bored easily?  Impossible to be happy/content?  Maybe I just don’t understand acceptance.  Cuz it seems to me that once I have accepted something I really don’t have to worry about it anymore.  And if I don’t have to worry about That anymore I move on to something else.  Sigh…  One of these days I’ll get it.