Acceptance
By barbn on Apr 11, 2010 | In Uncategorized
04/11/10
Well I have decided I had a growth weekend. I was/am grumbly. Yesterday I worked hard at keeping out of my head. Didn’t always work but I made it through the day. Today I woke up at 10am. I haven’t slept in that late in years. I got out of bed thinking “I am not going to feel guilty for sleeping the day away.”
I sat on the couch trying to decide what to do with myself. I was not motivated to clean or do more laundry. I could feel myself sinking into the couch. My mood was sinking. I started working on some computer maintenance and realized I did not have the patience for that today. I had to get out of the apartment.
It was a pretty day. So I headed to the mall. We have outdoor malls here so that means lots of walking. I parked pretty far away and resolved to not go back to the car and move it. Forcing myself to get exercise. I had a couple things in mind that I wanted to purchase so I went looking. Found one item at a reasonable price. Ok I’m doing good.
As I was looking for the second item the brain kicked into gear. Sigh… I was looking around at all these things that I really liked but either could not afford or had no place for in my small apartment. Depressing. The I can’t haves. In my wanderings I realized what I was doing so I moved on to a different store. Big mistake. Clothes. Yikes! Saw a couple cute things but soon realized that I would have to try them on. Nope not doing that. I have to be in the mood for that and today wasn’t it.
By this time I was being really hard on myself and decided I had had enough of this whole shopping thing. My car was on the opposite end of the parking lot and I had a lot of walking to do. On my way I passed a fabric/crafts store and popped in. I am not a craft type person but my daughter is and I decided that she would probably love this store. I also found a couple of pillow inserts the size I wanted and found some material that would make great pillow covers. But did I buy it? Nope. At the time my head was so far gone I couldn’t even make the decision to buy something I had been looking for all afternoon. I ran for the truck and high-tailed it home.
Got home and ate. Boy did I need to do that. Talked to a couple of friends and rested. Then decided that I need to do Something constructive today. I have had these boxes in my hallway for a year and a half. They are filled with china. Today I bought china storage containers. I decided to use them and get these boxes out of my hallway. While I was unwrapping all the plates, bowls and cups I realized that I had been living here for awhile. And I had better get used to the fact that I’m going to be here for awhile longer. There is no reason not to get this stuff put away. I also have a box of pictures that need to be hung. I need to get off my butt and do that too.
But as I was looking at the china and knowing I’ll probably never use it again, I wondered is this It? Should I just hunker down here? Is it time to put this stuff away and make this place more of a home than a place to stay? I’m battered like the one plate that didn’t make it. It’s too bad it’s broken because it’s going to take a lot of effort to find a replacement. I know it can be done. And I’m pretty sure I know where to look. But do I have the energy or the drive/ motivation to do it? It’s just a plate… one that I really doubt I’ll ever use again.
I wonder if I have really accepted the way my life is now? I seem to be fighting it. What is it going to take for me to be happy with the way things are right now? Isn’t that what I am supposed to be striving for? I seem to reach a goal and then it becomes “ok what’s next…“ What’s my problem? Bored easily? Impossible to be happy/content? Maybe I just don’t understand acceptance. Cuz it seems to me that once I have accepted something I really don’t have to worry about it anymore. And if I don’t have to worry about That anymore I move on to something else. Sigh… One of these days I’ll get it.
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