Barbn

Last weekend I spent a wonderful weekend with friends.  Monday morning I walked into the start of DRAMA WEEK.  Mostly at work but some in my personal life also.  I swear my door at work was closed more than it was open.  Sigh....  It seemed like everyone was having a problem this past week.  Two people got fired and two got written up.  There were  lots of phone calls and meetings.  And tucked in there was a crisis with ex and son.  Which I handled admirably if I say so myself.  At least externally... internally I was raging.  But I kept dipping into the well I built up over the weekend.  I had stuff to give.  I could and did handle everything that was thrown at me.  Now I'm pretty tired this weekend because the week was very stressful.  But I used the tools,  picked up the phone, meditatated, breathed, talked, worked thru it and did Not have a melt down.  I am  looking forward to the pillow tonite though.

7/5/10

This disease creates a sense of loneliness that is very hard to shake. I can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. I can be at work and still be lonely.

Alcoholism is very isolating to friends and families. No one understands what I have gone through. Or am going through.

Add a divorce on top of that and it becomes even worse. Kids are gone half the time. More time to spend with me. Oh Boy...

I have actually done pretty well lately. But one of the consequences of my trip I recently took was a realization that I was going to be alone for a long time.

I know being alone and loneliness are two separate concepts. But sometimes they come together and become one. I have struggled this weekend with this.

Of course looking at all my flaws, beating myself up over them. Doing all that I am not supposed to do if I am working a good program.

Well I tried doing some things to work a good program. But mainly I slept and when I was awake I cried. Dwelling and grieving. Not liking myself. Making lists of all the bad stuff in my head. Ugh.

Thankfully today I was distracted from all this by my daughter. I am still sad and lonely. But I am hoping I got a lot of the emotions out this weekend. And that I can get back to working my program.

Well I got back from my cruise to the Bahamas today. The kids said they had a great time. We are all exhausted. We spent a lot of time in the heat, sun, sand and water. That combination is the ticket to a good night's sleep. The three of us did really well together. The kids got along with each other for the most part. I got a shock as to how fast they both are growing up and maturing. Living in close quarters you find out things, as a parent you aren't really ready for.

We had some fantastic meals. We made sure that we each ordered something different from each other so that we all could try everything. We made a point to eat in the nice restaurant every night. We saw the shows they put on in the evenings. The kids swam either in the pool or in the ocean all day. I ventured out in the sun occasionally. But mostly I lounged about on my lounge chair, reading a book.

I think we burned up everything we ate by walking that ship from top to bottom multiple times everyday. It was nice to be able to relax physically. I still had a lot of stuff going on in my head though. I tried hard to shut that off but didn't quite manage it.

I am happy that we made it there and back without any major incidents. Had a couple of delays and a couple short-lived rain showers. The biggest argument I had with the kids was trying to convince them to get out of bed in the mornings so we could maximize our time there.

The kids and I made some pretty good memories together this past weekend. I am sad the weekend is over but I am glad to sleep in my own bed. Fantasy world can be fun but it is hard work.

Living with an alcoholic husband turned me into a person who could not speak up for herself. A doormat. One who became afraid to do anything. I did my best to protect me and my children.

It got to the point where I had no friends and I isolated myself in the house. They only time I left was to participate in activities that involved my children. I had no voice. It was gone. Taken away by fear. And if I did venture to speak up, my views were not listened to. They were condemned and told that they were wrong as was I.

When I finally came to the realization that I was going to die if I didn't do something to change my situation, I found Al-anon. That was my first thing I did afraid. My husband hated Al-anon. I was afraid of him but I knew that this was the right thing to do.

From the time I made that first step I have been slowing doing things for myself. Most of the time I have been scared to death. I have gotten a job. Separated and then divorced. But I have kept going on.

I have started traveling. That is another thing I am doing afraid. I have made several trips for business, some for myself and a couple with my kids. I am now tossing about buying a house. Major scary stuff there.

But every forward step I take, no matter how afraid I am, seems to be working out. I figure it like this: Either what I am doing is so horrible that it is a relief when it is over or It wasn't so bad after all. Either way I walked through it and I can move on.

Doing things afraid has made me more confident in dealing with my everyday life. I am better at my job, I am feeling better mentally and physically, things are just Better.

I made a comment the other day to a friend saying I was boring. There is no chaos in my life right now. Some days I find myself looking around for it. But mostly I am grateful that a lot of the chaos is gone and I can just deal with life now. And I have a program and a fellowship to help me with that too.

  5/31/10

Back Again, I did a drive by on a house that was for sale this weekend. I found it on the internet and spent the week dreaming about it. It is located on a lake with floor to ceiling windows in the living room that looked out on a fantastic view. The house is 30 yrs old and looked like it needed some updating according to the pictures I saw. All I could think of this week was how serene it looked in the pictures. I could really relax and be content on the deck. Watch the birds and the other creatures that would come around. I even looked the property up on the tax rolls to see how many owners there had been in the last 30 yrs. By doing so I found a Google map that showed the lot and the surrounding areas. This intrigued me further. My day dreams intensified.

I started calculating how much the mortgage and taxes would be. I was checking the bank balance to see how much I could put down and how much I would need to update the place. All practical things. While the other half of my brain was visualizing the house warming party. And buying all the things I would need to furnish the place. I was going full speed ahead. All from pictures and information off the internet.

Saturday when the kids asked what we were doing that day I suggested we go find this place. After looking at the pictures for themselves they were agreeable. We started driving and my first thought was “hmm quite a bit farther south than I thought it was going to be, no grocery stores or gas stations nearby”. We drove a bit further and then found the community the house was located in. It was beautiful. Lots of trees and greenery. Saw a pair of cardinals fly by. The houses were older, some well maintained others not so much.

There were 4 houses in the cove. Two looked really nice the other two looked umm well lived in. We came to the house I was interested in. The lot was really overgrown. Hmm no garage or carport. Long walk to the door with groceries in the pouring rain. The mail box was leaning over and was rusty. I wasn't really comfortable getting out and exploring since we did not have a realtor with us. But I could tell just by looking at the outside of the house that it was probably a money pit. I pulled out my cell phone and I had Zero bars. Omg no way! Landline...DSL... any cable or internet service at all? Time to back peddle.

Daughter asked if I was going to call the realtor and I said no I dont think so. She was disappointed. She told me that if I bought them a canoe they could be really happy there. It didn't matter if there was tv or not. Lol.

I drove away disappointed that my dreams were not going to be fulfilled and kicking myself for even bothering. Nothing turns out how you expect it to. I keep forgetting that. Oh I could go ahead and call the realtor and satisfy my curiosity about the inside of the house. Allow myself to spend all my money in my head. Wonder if I have the energy or desire or knowledge to fix this place up. Part of me wants to do that. But the practical part of me knows that it probably would be a mistake. Wonder when the dream side gets to win?