While I have not been active in attending alanon meetings the steps, principles, slogans, and all that I have picked up over the years have become part of who I am.  I travel with the Courage to Change daily meditation book which continues to help guide me, remind me of the very things that help calm me when I have lost my way, and I have and I have no doubt will continue to lose my way.

The question that has been on my mind on and off over the yers and one that I am throwing around today is.... Is there a graduation from the affects of alcoholism?  Or do we graduate in terms of total healing when we meet our maker?  I can span back over the years and see how much I have changed, how much I have grown... and for this I have so much gratitude.  Then there are times that something small triggers something within and I am humbled by how much I still have to learn, how large the arena is for me to grow in.  This is certainly not a bad thing but at times it can be discouraging...  Especially when you are goal oriented like I am.   I like tasks or jobs that I can cross off my "To do" list and be done with....

I was just humbly reminded that this isn't a race, nor is this about the destination of this journey but about the journey itself.... So.... I guess I have inadvertently answered my own question....

It's hard to believe that this year is half over with.  The older I get, the faster life goes by.  I have been ill the past couple of weeks which have shortened my patience level and altered my ability to work through problems or challenges calmly or without self criticism.  This behavior fits like an old glove.  It's shape curves and bends much like the acrobats that I had to work when living with active alcoholism, and long after.  I was insane.  I see this now more than ever.  And as I try to work through the smaller details and challenges of my life today, and still the wreckage of MY past and MY past choices... the past comes up to grab my thoughts and familiarity of yesterdays destruction, waste and regrets want to take over...   I fight that...

To stay in today means there is no yesterday that owns my thoughts, and no tomorrow to fear or seek salvation in.... there is just right now, this very moment.    I have noticed that being ill, I have wanted to displace my mind with the unpleasantness of the now and distract to something else... I want to distract to a happier more pleasant place, but because the manner in which I have been ill (migraines) has affected my cognitive thinking, and fatigue has entered my body....  of course my past is certain to pop up.  This is how I felt for a very long time... 

I was thinking about my life with my ex.   He has since passed of the disease of alcoholism in a very nasty manner.   I am making progress as I work thru my grief of his passing.  Our parting ways was a detachment from him.  The love did not stop, but living with the disease day in and day out, the insanity of it all, did.  Now, there is finality.  Now there is a need to not only detach but accept, this is goodbye.   In many ways I have lost him twice.  I speak of this not for sympathy, I speak of this from my heart.   Hopefully to help someone else who finds themself on this same trek.

I have given thought about my own insanity.  About the manner in which I lived, and changed while living with the disease of alcoholism.  (I chose to do this).   The wreckage of my past still exists, though it is minimal compared to what it was 5 years ago.   I found it ironic the other day that the alcoholic is now gone, dead, buried, and yet I am still myself dealing with some of the wreckage of our past.   This is not to blame him, not at all, just the irony of it all, and again to look at the insanity and the strength and power of alcoholism.  The sneaky manner in which in infiltrates into our lives, affairs and affects aspects of our lives and relationships, decisions that we really do not even see until years later.....

The unveiling of the deceitfulness and sneakiness of alcoholism and how it has affected our lives, or how it has affected my life continues to unravel.  It is not something I am dwelling on, or will dwell on.... it just continues to happen.

This trip I really enjoyed the social drinking.  I looked forward to socializing after classes.  I looked forward to having the strawberry margarita(s).  It was fun to just "be", laugh and was an added benefit  to numb the feelings for a bit.

One evening while socializing and having a couple margaritas there was a guy in his 30's who was off the wall.  Don't get me wrong, he was funny, and obviously very wealthy, but he drank like a fish.   He sat near me and was being "funny", wanting to buy me a drink.  I was on my third margarita of the day and that was my limit.  I do not like feeling out of control.  It upset him that i would not take another "free" drink.   He wouldn't let it go.    I ordered a water.   I remember this type of behavior in my younger years during Fri night social hour.  If you drank alcohol, they would buy you a drink, if it was soda, NOT.

I sat and observed his behavior.  I was reminded of my ex when he was drunk,,,, loud, and rowdy, funny.   I suppose in past this is the type of guy I would be interested in, but not now.  I am not judging him, I am assessing my life and my needs.  As much as I loved my ex, I do not want to be around drinking or drugging.  I will be drinking socially and that is okay.  I do not have a drinking problem.  I never again want to feel less important than a bottle, or watch someone I love slowly self destruct.

I care about myself more than that.  I want more for myself.  I really do love myself now, and I have learned that I need to take care of me, first.  I have a sense of self, self worth, self trust, self confidence.  And an appreciation for the present.

It's okay to have a couple drinks and loosen up.  I'm not the one with the drinking problem.

The tears have been flowing since.  I called his mother, we spoke for an hour, cried.  I always knew this would happen, I feared it, you cannot drink like he did and not have it affect you.  His liver was shot.  He stopped drinking for a while and then went back to it.

Jim was to date, the love of my life.  I adored him.  We had a wonderful life for many years until progression.  He was a very good, kind, loving, funny, intelligent man.  He was extremely handsome, or maybe that is what I saw.  He was very very good to me for many years.   We had a lot of fun together, and I have never stopped loving him, I just couldn't go down with him.  His drinking was way out of control, progression.  I had to save myself, and I did.

The disease doesn't have him anymore.  He is at peace.  My heart is bleeding, my eyes are tearing.  He was a very good man with a very bad disease.

God speed Jim, God speed......

in tears,

vt

My higher power continues to bless me with tiny miracles in my life.  At least they are to me.  I am through another phase in the reconstruction process since breast cancer.  The tools and skills that I have learned in AlAnon continue to not only help me in the way that I handle situations both good and bad, but also, enrichen my life.  I am full of gratitude.

I have been thinking a lot about my ex fiancee.  The love of my life (to date).  It has been 5.5 years since I asked him to leave and I still miss him.  However the reality is, I missed him long before I asked him to leave.

This beautiful, kind, funny, intelligent, fun loving man turned into someone I didn't know.  Progression in alcoholism has a way of doing that.  It is so sad and can be so devastating to watch someone you love disappear right before your very eyes.  Their exterior may still reflect the image of the person you love but the disease is at work taking over his/her inners.  Cunning, baffling...

I've been thinking a lot about the disease of alcoholism.    I have been thinking about my ex, recalling the good times, and there were many.   I continue to pray for him, and wish him well.   Though we have no contact and he has long since moved on (or over? or down? or up?) I can't help but think about him.  Today it is okay to think about him, my recovery/alanon has helped me get to this point.  Thank god!

Mutual "friends", actually more acquaintances told me the other day that they couldn't believe how he trashed his life with his drinking and ended up living on a beautiful caribbean island...  Honestly I felt like they were trying to provoke me, or push my buttons.  "I can't imagine it" they said, "he has quite the life".  I calmly and without even thinking about it replied "He is an active alcoholic.  No matter where he is, that is ruling him.  I can't imagine being him either".

I have been affected by the disease of alcoholism, but I'm not afflicted with it.  I do not know what that is like, thankfully but I have no doubt it is hellacious.

I've been taking a "mindfulness" class for the past 8 weeks. I thought it would be helpful to me to try to stay focused in the now, this moment... and this class has taught me many good tips tricks to be successful with this. This weekend I spent with my mother, my sister and my sisters in laws who I haven't seen in years. It was a wonderful weekend. I was able to detach all emotions and just observe, curiously, all the relatives, kin, behaviors and goings on. It was truly quite fascinating. One thing that I came home with was an understanding that people all run on different levels of consciousness. This isn't big news to anyone (lol) but for me it was more acceptance of others, in a nonjudgemental manner. It helped me to get a better grasp on accepting others for who they are, what they aspire or do not aspire to be. It isn't about right or wrong, it is about choices, and for some, limitations. It was really quite a beautiful thing to watch 4 generations of family gather, play games, reminisce, converse, interact. I felt fortunate to be part of it. But for me, there was much more to this weekend. My actions, my feelings, my behavior were that of a woman who accepts herself as she is, who she is, where she is. In past I would've taken some things personally, or been overly careful to say the right things, do the right things, etc etc. But there was none of that this weekend. I was in my own skin (not in a place where I thought others thought I should be), comfortable, happy, and living in the moment. It was awesome! Further reflections indicated that this has been happening over a period of time. It didn't just "appear" this weekend. I have to tell you, self acceptance is truly an amazing and freeing thing! No doubt I'll have my days when I will not feel so good about myself, but today, right now, I am grateful for who I am, scars, warts and all. It has been a long journey to get to this point, but it has so been worth it!

Life has been pretty busy, going along well.   I did have some "drama" this weekend that I fell into, and am doing my best to pull back out of it.

I will not dispense of the details, as that's really not that important.  What I will share is that, someone close to me (and that I care for very much) disappointed me by not doing something (of importance) that he said he was going to do.  He has proven untrustworthy and undependable, but yet, I still believed he would follow through on what he said he would.  This is MY problem.  Wanting others to be different, or expecting others to be responsible when they are in fact, not.  I set myself up for this...

Alongside this was a very uncomfortable and painful flashback to why I ended my relationship with my former fiancee.  I have no doubt that this played a role into why I involved myself on such an emotional level with this, and as a result... had a sleepless night.  It was later proven that he did NOT thankfully go as far as I had feared, I am grateful for that, and also dealing with the guilt of thinking that he did.  deep sighs

There have been so many lies about stupid things that it's hard to decipher when he's telling the truth.  The fabrication of stories, or really "excuses" as to why he was irresponsible, late, whatever... has me onguard.  I have learned that I CAN trust myself, and my instincts.  To thine own self, be true.    When someone tells you lies and then tells you the truth, how do you know what is in fact, truthful?  He is upset with ME now (laughing here because this is classic manipulation) because I did not just let it all go.  I spoke my feelings, insisted he make right, and take responsibility for his actions.  He's young, he's inexperienced at the anger that was coming out of me,,, and also the fear.   I DID over react with where my head went, but I did not with him.

I have changed, I am changing.  I respect myself now.   I probably come across as a tyrant with my tones, but I send out big roars to people who are taking advantage of me, or trying to use or hurt me.  It's my own defense... then when I have time to think about it, I see areas that I could have improved in.  Clearly, getting upset about this was understandable, but did it help me?  No.  I could have handled it a bit differently, but I didn't.  I do not regret what I said or did, but I wished I had not been so emotional and in such upheaval over it.  My goal next time I am disappointed (and that there is a change too..... acceptance that people are human and will err) I hope that I will be able to calmly state my case, and then let it go.  But now, I'm left with the emotional hangover, and because I went there emotionally, I need to go through the grief process of what happened.  This , too, shall pass.  And I will learn and grow from this.

I will need to set some new boundaries with him, and the thing that I dislike about that is,,, that is about me, and this means I have to follow thru and make the changes.... not just turn a blinds eye or ignore it because I don't want to feel the awkward uncomfortable feelings that come from setting and maintaining those boundaries.  It's kinda like taking a dog to dog training class.  It is more about the owner than the dog.  If you don't follow through with the commands, practice, etc.... it is futile.

So, I treated myself with a big bowl of hot tomato soup with cheddar cheese chunks and ritz crackers.... it's one of my comfort foods, and now I think I'll take a much needed nap, then start my day over again.  I love that I can do that!

Hugz

vt

So... been 4 weeks in an 8 week mindfulness class and have forgotten to bring my homework THREE times, ha!

Today I had the opportunity to play with a neighbors 2 year old boy, and my 6 year old niece.    Here's a couple observations

-First, Im exhausted. lol

-My niece had a couple friends over, and when I got there she came running over to me, "auntie auntie... you guys this is my auntie who gives me the paint brushes and paint...  She's an artist!"  (smiling )  Later when I was outside with them drawing on the driveway with chalk she said to her friend "My auntie teaches art all over the world".... I laughed.  Well, not the world, lovebug, but I do teach art.   She said "you are the bestest artist in the world".....   That very moment, I felt pretty important in this big ole world.... smiles

-Their innocence, their wonder... the way they love with all of themselves, trust with all of themselves.... their little belly laughs made my soul dance.

On my way home from my brothers house tonight I was thinking about how much I love my niece.  I try to nurture her creativity, and believe that she'll be either an artist or an actress, lol.... she has a wild and vivid imagination... and she loves to make people laugh.  (I also encourage her hippieish way she likes to dress!)  I was thinking about how at times I'm afraid to love others, to let them see me naked, fully clothed... because the innocence is no longer there.   The scars of  betrayals, alcoholism, lost loves, relationships passed,  remain invisible to the eye, but they exist, and are now hidden by the visible scars on my chest from mastectomies.  Ironic that I'm more comfortable showing the visible scars than testing the elasticity of the invisible emotional ones.

But for a while today, and still tonight... everything made sense to me.    As an adult, I still trust more than I should... I have had to learn discernment, something that I believe others my age learned many moons before I even knew what it was... and I do love with my whole self still.   If I love you, I love you and I trust you.  And disappointments, and humans just being humans and trying to find their own way thru life.... still surprise me, and I still feel tremendous hurt when that happens.... But you know what?  I love who I am.  I am the one who has to pay the piper when my heart gets broken... and everytime I get hurt I say "never again"... smiles....  and of course there will be another love in my life, and I'll open myself up to let someone see me naked, fully dressed again... and of course, I will be disappointed again.... and I will cry... and I will hurt... the difference is that I know now, .. I will heal.  Today, in the echoes of childrens laughter and love, I became grateful for who I am and how I love others... Today I trust my higher power and know that, while I may not like the way some things have turned out in my life or the lives of others... I know I am right where I am supposed to be... and so are you!

When we lost my sister I asked my sponsor "How am I supposed to stop loving her?"  She smiled and said "honey, you will never stop loving her, and just because she is gone, doesn't mean your love stops"....   I feel warm tears now on my cheeks as I think about that.  And much to my delight, and much to my surprise and awe, my love for her grew, and still continues to.  Love isn't what others can bring to you, or do for you.   Love does hurt at times.  Love can be magical and seductive.  I cannot imagine my life without love.

May you love with all of your heart, and may you get the opportunity to bathe in the laughter and innocence of youth, no matter what your age....  and may you love yourself the way you love others!  

smiling,

vt