June 11th, 2010

It's hard to believe that this year is half over with.  The older I get, the faster life goes by.  I have been ill the past couple of weeks which have shortened my patience level and altered my ability to work through problems or challenges calmly or without self criticism.  This behavior fits like an old glove.  It's shape curves and bends much like the acrobats that I had to work when living with active alcoholism, and long after.  I was insane.  I see this now more than ever.  And as I try to work through the smaller details and challenges of my life today, and still the wreckage of MY past and MY past choices... the past comes up to grab my thoughts and familiarity of yesterdays destruction, waste and regrets want to take over...   I fight that...

To stay in today means there is no yesterday that owns my thoughts, and no tomorrow to fear or seek salvation in.... there is just right now, this very moment.    I have noticed that being ill, I have wanted to displace my mind with the unpleasantness of the now and distract to something else... I want to distract to a happier more pleasant place, but because the manner in which I have been ill (migraines) has affected my cognitive thinking, and fatigue has entered my body....  of course my past is certain to pop up.  This is how I felt for a very long time... 

I was thinking about my life with my ex.   He has since passed of the disease of alcoholism in a very nasty manner.   I am making progress as I work thru my grief of his passing.  Our parting ways was a detachment from him.  The love did not stop, but living with the disease day in and day out, the insanity of it all, did.  Now, there is finality.  Now there is a need to not only detach but accept, this is goodbye.   In many ways I have lost him twice.  I speak of this not for sympathy, I speak of this from my heart.   Hopefully to help someone else who finds themself on this same trek.

I have given thought about my own insanity.  About the manner in which I lived, and changed while living with the disease of alcoholism.  (I chose to do this).   The wreckage of my past still exists, though it is minimal compared to what it was 5 years ago.   I found it ironic the other day that the alcoholic is now gone, dead, buried, and yet I am still myself dealing with some of the wreckage of our past.   This is not to blame him, not at all, just the irony of it all, and again to look at the insanity and the strength and power of alcoholism.  The sneaky manner in which in infiltrates into our lives, affairs and affects aspects of our lives and relationships, decisions that we really do not even see until years later.....

The unveiling of the deceitfulness and sneakiness of alcoholism and how it has affected our lives, or how it has affected my life continues to unravel.  It is not something I am dwelling on, or will dwell on.... it just continues to happen.