April 15, 2010

My higher power continues to bless me with tiny miracles in my life.  At least they are to me.  I am through another phase in the reconstruction process since breast cancer.  The tools and skills that I have learned in AlAnon continue to not only help me in the way that I handle situations both good and bad, but also, enrichen my life.  I am full of gratitude.

I have been thinking a lot about my ex fiancee.  The love of my life (to date).  It has been 5.5 years since I asked him to leave and I still miss him.  However the reality is, I missed him long before I asked him to leave.

This beautiful, kind, funny, intelligent, fun loving man turned into someone I didn't know.  Progression in alcoholism has a way of doing that.  It is so sad and can be so devastating to watch someone you love disappear right before your very eyes.  Their exterior may still reflect the image of the person you love but the disease is at work taking over his/her inners.  Cunning, baffling...

I've been thinking a lot about the disease of alcoholism.    I have been thinking about my ex, recalling the good times, and there were many.   I continue to pray for him, and wish him well.   Though we have no contact and he has long since moved on (or over? or down? or up?) I can't help but think about him.  Today it is okay to think about him, my recovery/alanon has helped me get to this point.  Thank god!

Mutual "friends", actually more acquaintances told me the other day that they couldn't believe how he trashed his life with his drinking and ended up living on a beautiful caribbean island...  Honestly I felt like they were trying to provoke me, or push my buttons.  "I can't imagine it" they said, "he has quite the life".  I calmly and without even thinking about it replied "He is an active alcoholic.  No matter where he is, that is ruling him.  I can't imagine being him either".

I have been affected by the disease of alcoholism, but I'm not afflicted with it.  I do not know what that is like, thankfully but I have no doubt it is hellacious.