June 11th, 2010

It's hard to believe that this year is half over with.  The older I get, the faster life goes by.  I have been ill the past couple of weeks which have shortened my patience level and altered my ability to work through problems or challenges calmly or without self criticism.  This behavior fits like an old glove.  It's shape curves and bends much like the acrobats that I had to work when living with active alcoholism, and long after.  I was insane.  I see this now more than ever.  And as I try to work through the smaller details and challenges of my life today, and still the wreckage of MY past and MY past choices... the past comes up to grab my thoughts and familiarity of yesterdays destruction, waste and regrets want to take over...   I fight that...

To stay in today means there is no yesterday that owns my thoughts, and no tomorrow to fear or seek salvation in.... there is just right now, this very moment.    I have noticed that being ill, I have wanted to displace my mind with the unpleasantness of the now and distract to something else... I want to distract to a happier more pleasant place, but because the manner in which I have been ill (migraines) has affected my cognitive thinking, and fatigue has entered my body....  of course my past is certain to pop up.  This is how I felt for a very long time... 

I was thinking about my life with my ex.   He has since passed of the disease of alcoholism in a very nasty manner.   I am making progress as I work thru my grief of his passing.  Our parting ways was a detachment from him.  The love did not stop, but living with the disease day in and day out, the insanity of it all, did.  Now, there is finality.  Now there is a need to not only detach but accept, this is goodbye.   In many ways I have lost him twice.  I speak of this not for sympathy, I speak of this from my heart.   Hopefully to help someone else who finds themself on this same trek.

I have given thought about my own insanity.  About the manner in which I lived, and changed while living with the disease of alcoholism.  (I chose to do this).   The wreckage of my past still exists, though it is minimal compared to what it was 5 years ago.   I found it ironic the other day that the alcoholic is now gone, dead, buried, and yet I am still myself dealing with some of the wreckage of our past.   This is not to blame him, not at all, just the irony of it all, and again to look at the insanity and the strength and power of alcoholism.  The sneaky manner in which in infiltrates into our lives, affairs and affects aspects of our lives and relationships, decisions that we really do not even see until years later.....

The unveiling of the deceitfulness and sneakiness of alcoholism and how it has affected our lives, or how it has affected my life continues to unravel.  It is not something I am dwelling on, or will dwell on.... it just continues to happen.

I was in Canada last week for a convention.  In past I will have a drink or maybe two socially when I travel, but because of how I have been affected by alcoholism, I do not drink much at all.  Also I didn't want to encourage the drinking when I was living with an alcoholic.  I almost felt guilty that I could have one or two drinks and stop.

This trip I really enjoyed the social drinking.  I looked forward to socializing after classes.  I looked forward to having the strawberry margarita(s).  It was fun to just "be", laugh and was an added benefit  to numb the feelings for a bit.

One evening while socializing and having a couple margaritas there was a guy in his 30's who was off the wall.  Don't get me wrong, he was funny, and obviously very wealthy, but he drank like a fish.   He sat near me and was being "funny", wanting to buy me a drink.  I was on my third margarita of the day and that was my limit.  I do not like feeling out of control.  It upset him that i would not take another "free" drink.   He wouldn't let it go.    I ordered a water.   I remember this type of behavior in my younger years during Fri night social hour.  If you drank alcohol, they would buy you a drink, if it was soda, NOT.

I sat and observed his behavior.  I was reminded of my ex when he was drunk,,,, loud, and rowdy, funny.   I suppose in past this is the type of guy I would be interested in, but not now.  I am not judging him, I am assessing my life and my needs.  As much as I loved my ex, I do not want to be around drinking or drugging.  I will be drinking socially and that is okay.  I do not have a drinking problem.  I never again want to feel less important than a bottle, or watch someone I love slowly self destruct.

I care about myself more than that.  I want more for myself.  I really do love myself now, and I have learned that I need to take care of me, first.  I have a sense of self, self worth, self trust, self confidence.  And an appreciation for the present.

It's okay to have a couple drinks and loosen up.  I'm not the one with the drinking problem.

As I said in an earlier post, I have been thinking a lot about my ex fiancee.  I am away teaching for the weekend, too tired to go to dinner.  I rec'd an odd email that said someone (by his name) was looking for me on mylife.   I googled him, and found out he died of alcoholism the day after his birthday, in December.  He died at 46.

The tears have been flowing since.  I called his mother, we spoke for an hour, cried.  I always knew this would happen, I feared it, you cannot drink like he did and not have it affect you.  His liver was shot.  He stopped drinking for a while and then went back to it.

Jim was to date, the love of my life.  I adored him.  We had a wonderful life for many years until progression.  He was a very good, kind, loving, funny, intelligent man.  He was extremely handsome, or maybe that is what I saw.  He was very very good to me for many years.   We had a lot of fun together, and I have never stopped loving him, I just couldn't go down with him.  His drinking was way out of control, progression.  I had to save myself, and I did.

The disease doesn't have him anymore.  He is at peace.  My heart is bleeding, my eyes are tearing.  He was a very good man with a very bad disease.

God speed Jim, God speed......

in tears,

vt

April 15, 2010

My higher power continues to bless me with tiny miracles in my life.  At least they are to me.  I am through another phase in the reconstruction process since breast cancer.  The tools and skills that I have learned in AlAnon continue to not only help me in the way that I handle situations both good and bad, but also, enrichen my life.  I am full of gratitude.

I have been thinking a lot about my ex fiancee.  The love of my life (to date).  It has been 5.5 years since I asked him to leave and I still miss him.  However the reality is, I missed him long before I asked him to leave.

This beautiful, kind, funny, intelligent, fun loving man turned into someone I didn't know.  Progression in alcoholism has a way of doing that.  It is so sad and can be so devastating to watch someone you love disappear right before your very eyes.  Their exterior may still reflect the image of the person you love but the disease is at work taking over his/her inners.  Cunning, baffling...

I've been thinking a lot about the disease of alcoholism.    I have been thinking about my ex, recalling the good times, and there were many.   I continue to pray for him, and wish him well.   Though we have no contact and he has long since moved on (or over? or down? or up?) I can't help but think about him.  Today it is okay to think about him, my recovery/alanon has helped me get to this point.  Thank god!

Mutual "friends", actually more acquaintances told me the other day that they couldn't believe how he trashed his life with his drinking and ended up living on a beautiful caribbean island...  Honestly I felt like they were trying to provoke me, or push my buttons.  "I can't imagine it" they said, "he has quite the life".  I calmly and without even thinking about it replied "He is an active alcoholic.  No matter where he is, that is ruling him.  I can't imagine being him either".

I have been affected by the disease of alcoholism, but I'm not afflicted with it.  I do not know what that is like, thankfully but I have no doubt it is hellacious.

April 5th, 2010

I've been taking a "mindfulness" class for the past 8 weeks. I thought it would be helpful to me to try to stay focused in the now, this moment... and this class has taught me many good tips tricks to be successful with this. This weekend I spent with my mother, my sister and my sisters in laws who I haven't seen in years. It was a wonderful weekend. I was able to detach all emotions and just observe, curiously, all the relatives, kin, behaviors and goings on. It was truly quite fascinating. One thing that I came home with was an understanding that people all run on different levels of consciousness. This isn't big news to anyone (lol) but for me it was more acceptance of others, in a nonjudgemental manner. It helped me to get a better grasp on accepting others for who they are, what they aspire or do not aspire to be. It isn't about right or wrong, it is about choices, and for some, limitations. It was really quite a beautiful thing to watch 4 generations of family gather, play games, reminisce, converse, interact. I felt fortunate to be part of it. But for me, there was much more to this weekend. My actions, my feelings, my behavior were that of a woman who accepts herself as she is, who she is, where she is. In past I would've taken some things personally, or been overly careful to say the right things, do the right things, etc etc. But there was none of that this weekend. I was in my own skin (not in a place where I thought others thought I should be), comfortable, happy, and living in the moment. It was awesome! Further reflections indicated that this has been happening over a period of time. It didn't just "appear" this weekend. I have to tell you, self acceptance is truly an amazing and freeing thing! No doubt I'll have my days when I will not feel so good about myself, but today, right now, I am grateful for who I am, scars, warts and all. It has been a long journey to get to this point, but it has so been worth it!