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Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence
Link: http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/myths.htm
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
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Global State of Mind hosts blogging for our members in recovery. You may click on their names above for their perspectives on the journey to serenity. If you wish to blog here, please email your bio to barbn@globalstateofmind.com .
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NEWS OF INTEREST
MYTH #1: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AFFECTS ONLY A SMALL PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION AND IS RARE.
FACT: National studies estimate that 3 to 4 million women are beaten each year in our country. A study conducted in 1995 found that 31% of women surveyed admitted to having been physically assaulted by a husband or boyfriend. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in our country, and the FBI estimates that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds. Thirty percent of female homicide victims are killed by partners or ex-partners and 1,500 women are murdered as a result of domestic violence each year in the United States.
MYTH #2: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OCCURS ONLY IN POOR, UNEDUCATED AND MINORITY FAMILIES.
FACT: Studies of domestic violence consistently have found that battering occurs among all types of families, regardless of income, profession, region, ethnicity, educational level or race. However, the fact that lower income victims and abusers are over-represented in calls to police, battered women's shelters and social services may be due to a lack of other resources.
MYTH #3: THE REAL PROBLEM IS COUPLES WHO ASSAULT EACH OTHER. WOMEN ARE JUST AS VIOLENT AS MEN.
FACT: A well-publicized study conducted by Dr. Murray Strauss at the University of New Hampshire found that women use violent means to resolve conflict in relationships as often as men. However, the study also concluded that when the context and consequences of an assault are measured, the majority of victims are women. The U.S. Department of Justice has found that 85% of the victims of spouse abuse are female. Men can be victims, but it is rare.
MYTH #4: ALCOHOL ABUSE CAUSES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
FACT: Although there is a high correlation between alcohol, or other substance abuse, and battering, it is not a causal relationship. Batterers use drinking as one of many excuses for their violence and as a way to place the responsibility for their violence elsewhere. Stopping the abusers' drinking will not stop the violence. Both battering and substance abuse need to be addressed separately, as overlapping yet independent problems.
MYTH #5: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS USUALLY A ONE TIME, ISOLATED OCCURRENCE.
FACT: Battering is a pattern of coercion and control that one person exerts over another. Battering is not just one physical attack. It includes the repeated use of a number of tactics, including intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, isolation and psychological and sexual abuse. Physical violence is just one of these tactics. The various forms of abuse utilized by batterers help to maintain power and control over their spouses and partners.
MYTH #6: MEN WHO BATTER ARE OFTEN GOOD FATHERS AND SHOULD HAVE JOINT CUSTODY OF THEIR CHILDREN IF THE COUPLE SEPARATES.
Fact: Studies have found that men who batter their wives also abuse their children in 70% of cases. Even when children are not directly abused, they suffer as a result of witnessing one parent assault another. Batterers often display an increased interest in their children at the time of separation, as a means of maintaining contact with, and thus control over, their partners.
MYTH #7: WHEN THERE IS VIOLENCE IN THE FAMILY, ALL MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE DYNAMIC, AND THEREFORE, ALL MUST CHANGE FOR THE VIOLENCE TO STOP.
FACT: Only the batterer has the ability to stop the violence. Battering is a behavioral choice for which the batterer must be held accountable. Many battered women make numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope that this will stop the abuse. This does not work. Changes in family members' behavior will not cause the batterer to be non-violent.
MYTH #8: BATTERED WOMEN ARE MASOCHISTIC AND PROVOKE THE ABUSE. THEY MUST LIKE IT OR THEY WOULD LEAVE.
FACT: Victim provocation is no more common in domestic violence than in any other crime. Battered women often make repeated attempts to leave violent relationships, but are prevented from doing so by increased violence and control tactics on the part of the abuser. Other factors which inhibit a victim's ability to leave include economic dependence, few viable options for housing and support, unhelpful responses from the criminal justice system or other agencies, social isolation, cultural or religious constraints, a commitment to the abuser and the relationship and fear of further violence. It has been estimated that the danger to a victim increases by 70% when she attempts to leave, as the abuser escalates his use of violence when he begins to lose control.
MYTH #9: MEN HAVE A RIGHT TO DISCIPLINE THEIR PARTNERS FOR MISBEHAVING. BATTERING IS NOT A CRIME.
FACT: While our society derives from a patriarchal legal system that afforded men the right to physically chastise their wives and children, we do not live under such a system now. Women and children are no longer considered the property of men, and domestic violence is a crime in every state In the country.
UP
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.~~Charlotte Bronte
__________________________________________
Global State of Mind hosts blogging for our members in recovery. You may click on their names above for their perspectives on the journey to serenity. If you wish to blog here, please email your bio to barbn@globalstateofmind.com .
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NEWS OF INTEREST
Think about
it.
UP
Read until the end.....you'll
laugh....
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that
word
is 'UP.' It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep],
[adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to
understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when
we awaken in the morning, why do
we
wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic
come UP? Why do
we speak UP, and why are
the
officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a
report? We call UP our
friends,
brighten UP a
room, polish UP the
silver, warm UP the leftovers and
clean UP the kitchen.
We
lock UP the house and
fix UP the old
car.
At other times this little word has real
special
meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for
tickets,
work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses.
To be
dressed is one
thing but to be
dressed UP is
special.
And this UP is confusing: A
drain must be
opened UP because it is
stopped UP.
We
open UP a store in the morning but we close
it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty
mixed
UP about UP !
To be
knowledgeable about the proper
uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a
desk-sized
dictionary, it
takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can
add UP to about
thirty definitions
If you
are UP to it, you might try
building UP a list of the many
ways UP is used. It will
take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or
more.
When it threatens
to rain, we say it
is
clouding UP . When the sun comes out
we say it is
clearing UP. When it rains, it
soaks UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile,
things dry UP. One could go on & on,
but I'll wrap
it UP, for now ........my time
is UP !
Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing
you
do in the morning & the last thing you do
at
night?
U
P !
Do you make these 10 mistakes in a conversation?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment~~Dorothy Nevill
__________________________________________
Global State of Mind hosts blogging for our members in recovery. You may click on their names above for their perspectives on the journey to serenity. If you wish to blog here, please email your bio to barbn@globalstateofmind.com .
_____________________________________________
NEWS OF INTEREST
Can you improve your conversation skills? Certainly.
It might take a while to change the conversation habits that’s been ingrained throughout your life, but it is very possible.
To not make this article longer than necessary let’s just skip right to some common mistakes many of us have made in conversations. And a couple of solutions.
Not listening
Ernest Hemingway once said:
“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
Don’t be like most people. Don’t just wait eagerly for your turn to talk. Put your own ego on hold. Learn to really listen to what people actually are saying.
When you start to really listen, you’ll pick up on loads of potential paths in the conversation. But avoid yes or no type of questions as they will not give you much information. If someone mentions that they went fishing with a couple of friends last weekend you can for instance ask:
- Where did you go fishing?
- What do you like most about fishing?
- What did you do there besides fishing?
The person will delve deeper into the subject giving you more information to work with and more paths for you choose from.
If they say something like: “Oh, I don’t know” at first, don’t give up. Prod a little further. Ask again. They do know, they just have to think about a bit more. And as they start to open up the conversation becomes more interesting because it’s not on auto-pilot anymore.
Asking too many questions
If you ask too many questions the conversation can feel like a bit of an interrogation. Or like you don’t have that much too contribute. One alternative is to mix questions with statements. Continuing the conversation above you could skip the question and say:
- Yeah, it’s great to just get out with your friends and relax over the weekend. We like to take a six-pack out to the park and play some Frisbee golf.
- Nice. We went out in my friend’s boat last month and I tried these new lures from Sakamura. The blue ones were really great.
And then the conversation can flow on from there. And you can discuss Frisbee golf, the advantages/disadvantages of different lures or your favourite beer.
Tightening up
When in conversation with someone you just meet or when the usual few topics are exhausted an awkward silence or mood might appear. Or you might just become nervous not knowing exactly why.
- Leil Lowndes once said: “Never leave home without reading the newspaper.” If you’re running out of things to say, you can always start talking about the current news. It’s also good to stay updated on current water cooler-topics. Like what happened on the latest episode of Lost.
- Comment on the aquarium at the party, or that one girl’s cool Halloween-costume or the host’s mp3-playlist. You can always start new conversations about something in your surroundings.
- Assume rapport. If you feel nervous or weird when meeting someone for the first time assume rapport. What that means is that you imagine how you feel when you meet one of your best friends. And pretend that this new acquaintance is one of your best friends. Don’t overdo it though, you might not want to hug and kiss right away. But if you imagine this you’ll go into a positive emotional state. And you’ll greet and start talking to this new person with a smile and a friendly and relaxed attitude. Because that’s how you talk to your friends. It might sound a bit loopy or too simple. But it really works.
Poor delivery
One of the most important things in a conversation is not what you say, but how you say it. A change in these habits can make a big difference since your voice and body language is a vital part of communication. Some things to think about:
- Slowing down. When you get excited about something it’s easy to start talking faster and faster. Try and slow down. It will make it much easier for people to listen and for you actually get what you are saying across to them.
- Speaking up. Don’t be afraid to talk as loud as you need to for people to hear you.
- Speaking clearly. Don’t mumble.
- Speak with emotion. No one listens for that long if you speak with a monotone voice. Let your feelings be reflected in your voice.
- Using pauses. Slowing down your talking plus adding a small pause between thoughts or sentences creates a bit of tension and anticipation. People will start to listen more attentively to what you’re saying. Listen to one of Brian Tracys cds or Steve Pavlina’s podcasts. Listen to how using small pauses makes what they are saying seem even more interesting.
- Learn a bit about improving your body language as it can make your delivery a lot more effective. Read about laughter, posture and how to hold your drink in 18 ways to improve your body language.
Hogging the spot-light
I’ve been guilty of this one on more occasions than I wish to remember. 
Everyone involved in a conversation should get their time in the spotlight. Don’t interrupt someone when they are telling some anecdote or their view on what you are discussing to divert the attention back to yourself. Don’t hijack their story about skiing before it’s finished to share your best skiing-anecdote. Find a balance between listening and talking.
Having to be right
Avoid arguing and having to being right about every topic. Often a conversation is not really a discussion. It’s a more of a way to keep a good mood going. No one will be that impressed if you “win” every conversation. Instead just sit back, relax and help keep the good feelings going.
Talking about a weird or negative topic
If you’re at a party or somewhere were you are just getting to know some people you might want to avoid some topics. Talking about your bad health or relationships, your crappy job or boss, serial killers, technical lingo that only you and some other guy understands or anything that sucks the positive energy out of the conversation are topics to steer clear from. You might also want to save religion and politics for conversations with your friends.
Being boring
Don’t prattle on about your new car for 10 minutes oblivious to your surroundings. Always be prepared to drop a subject when you start to bore people. Or when everyone is getting bored and the topic is starting to run out of steam.
One good way to have something interesting to say is simply to lead an interesting life. And to focus on the positive stuff. Don’t start to whine about your boss or your job, people don’t want to hear that. Instead, talk about your last trip somewhere, some funny anecdote that happened while you where buying clothes, your plans for New Years Eve or something funny or exciting.
Another way is just to be genuinely interested. As Dale Carnegie said:
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”
Knowing a little about many things or at least being open to talk about them instead of trying to steer the conversation back to your favourite subject is a nice quality.
Meaning: talking for what seems like hours about one topic. Topics may include work, favourite rock-band, TV-show and more work.
Opening up a bit and not clinging desperately to one topic will make the conversation feel more relaxed and open. You will come across like a person who can talk about many things with ease. As you’ve probably experienced with other people; this quality is something you appreciate in a conversation and makes you feel like you can connect to that person easily.
Not reciprocating
Open up and say what you think, share how you feel. If someone shares an experience, open up too and share one of your experiences. Don’t just stand there nodding and answer with short sentences. If someone is investing in the conversation they’d like you to invest too.
Like in so many areas in life, you can’t always wait for the other party to make the first move. When needed, be proactive and be the first one to open up and invest in the conversation. One way is by replacing some questions with statements. It makes you less passive and makes take a sort of stand.
Not contributing much
You might feel that you don’t have much to contribute to a conversation. But try anyway. Really listen and be interested in what the others are saying. Ask questions. Make relating statements.
Open your eyes too. Develop your observational skills to pick up interesting stuff in your surroundings to talk about. Develop your personal knowledge-bank by expanding your view of interesting things in the world. Read the newspapers and keep an eye on new water cooler-topics.
Work on your body language, how you talk and try assuming rapport to improve your communication skills.
But take it easy. Don’t do it all at once. You’ll just feel confused and overwhelmed. Instead, pick out the three most important things that you feel needs improving. Work on them every day for 3-4 weeks. Notice the difference and keep at it. Soon your new habits will start to pop up spontaneously when you are in a conversation.
Identifying Anger Problems
Link: http://www.sandf.org/articles/IDAnger.asp
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
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Global State of Mind hosts blogging for our members in recovery. You may click on their names above for their perspectives on the journey to serenity. If you wish to blog here, please email your bio to barbn@globalstateofmind.com .
_____________________________________________
NEWS OF INTEREST
Do You Have an Anger Problem?
The following are questions designed to help identify potential problems you may have with anger and/or control. This is not a researched scale, but it can point to serious signs of danger in intimate relationships.
- Do friends and family feel free to share their thoughts and feelings with you?
- If a stranger knew everything about your relationship with friends and family, would s/he say you get along well with them?
- Has anyone ever said s/he is afraid of you?
- Does your spouse and/or friends avoid conflict with you?
- Has someone ever received a bruise as a result of your actions during an argument?
- Have you ever broken an object (glass, chair, vase, ashtray, etc.) during or right after an argument?
- Have you ever called someone a "bitch," "bastard," "crazy," or some other derogatory name?
- Has a friend or spouse ever accused you of being angry and you felt you had to prove him or her wrong?
- Have you ever surprised yourself by how angry you got and by what you did?
- Have you ever hurt yourself punching or kicking a wall in anger?
- Have you ever been "blind" with rage, or could not remember what you did when angry?
- Would a friend or spouse say that you have ever slapped or hit him/her?
- Have you ever ripped someone's clothes when angry?
- When angry, have you shaken your fist or raised your hand toward someone?
Conflict Styles
The Avoider: Avoiders refuse to fight. When a conflict arises, they will leave, fall asleep, pretend to be busy at work, or keep from facing the problem in some other way. This behavior makes it very difficult for their spouses/friends to express feelings of anger, hurt, etc., because avoiders won't fight back. Arguing with an avoider is like trying to box with a person who won't even put up his gloves.
The Denier: Not only do deniers refuse to face up to a conflict, they pretend that there is nothing at all wrong. This denial really drives their friends/spouses crazy when they definitely feel there is a problem, and it causes them to feel both guilt and resentment toward the accommodater.
The Guilt Maker: Instead of dealing with feelings directly, guilt makers try to change their spouse's or friend's behavior by attempting to have them take responsibility for causing pain. The guilt maker's favorite line is "It's okay, don't worry about me..." accompanied by a big sigh.
The Subject Changer: Really a type of avoider, the subject changer escapes facing up to anger by shifting the conversation whenever it approaches a conflictual stage. Because of these tactics, subject changers and their spouses/friends never have the chance to explore their problem and do something about it.
The Sniper: Rather than come out and express their feelings about the object of their dissatisfaction, snipers will attack their friend's/spouse's behavior by making sarcastic comments. If their friends/spouses respond in a hurt fashion, snipers might say, "I was only kidding!" Their spouses/friends never know for sure what the problem is because snipers don't share what is really bothering them and the relationship moves farther apart.
The Therapist: Instead of allowing their friends/spouses to honestly express their feelings, therapists go into character analysis, explaining what the other person really means or what is wrong with the other person. By behaving this way, they refuse to handle their own feelings and leave no room for their friends/spouses to express themselves.
The Trapper: Trappers play an especially dirty trick by setting up a desired behavior of their friends/spouses, and then when it is met, attack the very thing they requested. An example of this technique is for trappers to say, "Let's be totally honest with each other" and then when friends/spouses share their feelings, they find themselves attacked for having feelings that trappers do not want to accept.
The Crisis Tickler: These people almost bring what is bothering them to the surface, but they never quite come out and express themselves. Instead of admitting their concern about the finances, crisis ticklers innocently ask, "Gee, how much did that cost?" dropping an obvious hint but never really dealing with what is bothering them.
The Human Freezer: Instead of expressing their anger honestly and directly, human freezers freeze their spouses/friends with silence or frosty replies. When they feel their spouses/friends have been punished enough, human freezers will start talking to them again in a normal fashion. This not only builds up greater resentments in their spouses/friends, but oftentimes the conflict is never resolved and is swept under the carpet.
The Gunnysacker: Gunnysackers do not respond immediately when they are angry. Instead, they put their resentment into their gunnysack, which after a while begins to bulge with large and small gripes. Then, when the sack is about to burst, gunnysackers pour out all their pent-up feelings on the overwhelmed and unsuspecting victim.
The Joker: Because they are afraid to face conflicts squarely, jokers kid around when their friends/spouses want to be serious, thus blocking the expression of important feelings.
The Beltliner: Everyone has a psychological "beltline," and below it are subjects too sensitive to be approached without damaging the relationship. Beltlines may have to do with physical characteristics, intelligence, past behavior, or deeply ingrained personality traits a person is trying to overcome. In an attempt to "get even" or hurt their partners, beltliners will use their intimate knowledge to hit below the belt, where they know it will hurt.
The Blamer: Blamers are more interested in finding fault than in solving a conflict. Needless to say, they usually do not blame themselves. Blaming behavior almost never solves a conflict and is an almost surefire way to make the receiver defensive.
The Kitchen Sink Fighter: These people are so named because in an argument they bring up things that are totally off the subject ("everything but the kitchen sink"): The way their spouses/friends behaved last New Year's Eve, the unbalanced checkbook, bad breath, anything.
The Water Fountain: Water fountains adeptly avoid any hint of conflict by turning on the tears when their friends/spouses express dissatisfaction about anything. The focus is now off the conflict and on the plight of the water fountain. Their friends/spouses never get to express their feelings and the conflict is never resolved.
The Kamikaze Fighter: The kamikaze fighter is not satisfied until both people in the relationship have gone up in flames. The end goal of kamikaze fighters is to "win" and they will do whatever it takes to be right.
Fair Fighting Rules
- Stay in the present. Don't dredge up things from the past or predict the future.
- Stick to one issue. Try to identify exactly what triggered your anger.
- Use "I feel" statements. Stay away from "you make me" statements.
- Avoid the words "always" and "never."
- Avoid name calling and degrading or profane names. Name calling and profanity are often the fastest way to arouse another person' s anger.
- Take time to listen. Don't say, "I know what you are thinking or feeling."
- Don't interrupt--Wait your turn to speak. Only one person at a time should speak.
- Don't assign blame. Avoid "I'm right" or "you're wrong" statements.
- Focus on the real issue. Don't argue about minor or unrelated details.
- Clarify what you are hearing. Repeat back to the other person what you heard them say. Ask them if you are on track.
- Don't hit below the belt. Refrain from using intimate knowledge to attack or hurt the other person.
- Lower your voice. "A soft answer turns away wrath."
- Take a time-out when needed. If you sense an unsafe situation or your own anger seriously limits your ability to follow these rules, agree to come back and discuss the issues at an agreed upon time.
Anger-Down Talk (Self Talk)
Both research and experience show that when people pay attention to and make positive changes in their self talk, their anger is reduced and they gain control of themselves. When you feel yourself starting to get angry, take time out to get a grip on yourself mentally by the use of anger-down talk. Listed below are some examples. Memorize and rehearse particular "Anger-Down Talk" that is effective for you. Write down the "best" statements on a 3x5 card to carry with you. Anger is a result of thoughts. Take charge of your thoughts.
Examples:
- I feel angry--that means I must have been hurt or something.
- I'm getting angry. I better figure out what's underneath it.
- I can stay calm.
- I don't need to prove myself.
- I don't have to defend myself.
- I can face this.
- I'm the only person who can make me mad or keep me calm.
- It's time to relax.
- It's okay to be unsure.
- Nothing says I have to be competent and sure all the time.
- It's okay to feel threatened.
- I don't need to be in control of everything and everybody.
- If people criticize me--I can survive that.
- Nothing says I have to be perfect.
- If this person wants to go off the wall, that's their thing.
- This will seem stupid later.
- This isn't what it seems. It's just old feelings getting stirred up again.
- It's okay to walk away from this.
- I will like myself better later if I walk away now.
- It's nice if others accept me, but I don't have to have it.
- People are going to act the way they want to act, not the way I want them to act.
- They don't have to believe me. We just disagree.
- I can choose to give in.
- I want a relationship more than I want to win this argument.
- All I want to do is speak my mind clearly and appropriately. That's it.
- I want to respect myself later.
- That's life. I don't have to let it get me so down.
Boundaries
Link: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
_____________________________________________
Global State of Mind hosts blogging for our members in recovery. You may click on their names above for their perspectives on the journey to serenity. If you wish to blog here, please email your bio to barbn@globalstateofmind.com .
_____________________________________________
NEWS OF INTEREST
Rational boundary building thinking
These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy boundary building.
Unhealthy: I can never say "no'' to others.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say "no'' to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.
Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.
Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.
Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.
Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.
Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.
Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs and not violate my space.
Unhealthy: I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.
Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again.
Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.
Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.
Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.
Boundaries are set by you as well as the consequences for violations. Your health is enhanced when you can set and followthrough on maintaining boundaries.
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